The Color Purple

Day of Life: 37

On this, Canon's second day at OLS, I managed to hold myself together while Canon was business as usual, walking in shyly and joining his new crowd of friends. Upon entering the hospital, I found my second little munchkin just as happy and content as the first.

Yesterday, I had predicted to our nurse that Tera would be sick by the end of the week. Her bed oxygen was high, her heart rate was high, and her respiratory rate was all over the place - high and low at any given point. These same "symptoms" came about last week when the doctors did a work-up to check for infection and Tera spent the morning in and out of apnea spells. The only thing missing yesterday was the apnea, but I've been expecting it to come about at any time now.

Apparently, Tera heard me confess this to the nurse, and apparently, she doesn't like being called out in front of her caretakers. When I walked in this morning, I found her doing nothing but improving. She has gained weight, now up to 3 pounds 4 ounces, and her bed oxygen has dropped a few percentage points to 32%. Her heart rate is back to its normal 150-170 range, and her respiratory rate seems to be more stable. Hey, Tera! Bet you won't be ready to go home before your due date. (Does reverse psychology work on people who can't yet speak?).

Something you should know about Munchkin #2 is that she is a Burier. She loves to bury her head either in her arms . . . in the towel they put under her head to catch her spit up . . . in her spit up . . . She has even been known to pick her head up and turn it face down into her blankets. This used to cause some problems for her nurses because she would frequently de-sat due to the decrease of oxygen getting into her nose. As she has grown stronger, however, she is able to bury while still maintaining a healthy oxygen saturation. Needless to say, I get at least one picture like this . . .

. . . everyday.

MyGoo made it for her weekly visit around lunchtime. While she left to get us lunch, I detoured to the March of Dimes Family Hour to learn about bottle-feeding my baby. This is still a couple of weeks away, but it's exciting to get ready for it. I was half an hour late - for various reasons - so I'm not sure what I missed. I learned a lot, however, that I had never considered. For example, one thing that is very important is to keep stimulation to a bare minimum during her first bottle feeds. This means low lighting, no TV (though I think it's only been on twice during our whole stay), basically no extra stimulation of any kind. She will also need to be swaddled tightly to keep her arms tight against her. All of this has to do with keeping her focused on that suck-swallow-breathe sequence she needs to master. Anything that will divert her attention from that is not allowed in the room. I talked to my nurse a couple of days ago to ask if mom's were allowed to give the first bottle. It seems like kind of a scary thing, so I wasn't sure if it was something I am qualified for. She said that I definitely am qualified, and she wrote on the board in Tera's room that I wanted to give her the first bottle. That way, when the doctors give the orders to let her start trying it, they can plan it around a time when I will be there (shouldn't be too hard!).

Also at this luncheon, I saw some of the mom's I had met at previous events. One mother in particular I was very happy to see. I thought that she had lost her baby, but as it turns out, they are hoping to go home in the next couple of weeks (Rumors spread easy around here, too). Her child is off the ventilator and on CPAP. The heart condition he was born with (what I thought was his reason for being here) is actually not the problem. That is something they will have to deal with in the future, but for now, they are just trying to get him breathing better on his own.

MyGoo and I spent the afternoon hanging out and looking at Tera. I took this picture just before MyGoo left. I find it completely hilarious, especially since it's going to embarrass the stew out of her in about sixteen years.

I can't tell if she's going to be modest or if this is an early sign of her calling to be a pop star. I'm hoping for the former.

MyGoo and I left the hospital around 3:00. MyGoo was headed back home, and I was going to pick up Canon early to go to a birthday celebration for (Big) Tera. You may remember me mentioning this in an earlier post when (Big) Tera's best friends, Alyssa, visited us. Every year, some of Tera's classmates get together to celebrate her birthday by having cake and releasing purple balloons in the air. Purple was Tera's favorite color, and she was always eager to remind you. When I held (Baby) Tera earlier today, I covered her with a purple blanket in (Big) Tera's memory.

Tera's birthday was actually February 20, but for various reasons, the celebration was held today.

Above is Tera's mother, Pat. I'm sure she hates me now for putting this picture here, but she is as wonderfully strong as her daughter and has earned the recognition.

Here is a picture of the group that got together to release balloons.

We all wrote messages on pieces of paper and tied the paper to the balloon strings. My message said that we love and miss Tera everyday, and thank you for watching out for us, especially now.

Canon was exhausted when I picked him up from school, even falling asleep in the car on the way to the balloon release. He loves balloons but refused to take one when it was offered to him. Of course, as soon as they were all gone, he fussed that he wanted one. Poor thing. I found out later he had a low-grade fever and just wasn't feeling well. At this point, however, he just seemed overwhelmed and tired. He wanted me to hold him the entire time. I did for as long as I could (he rarely asks me to hold him, so I wanted to take advantage), but the 31-pounds eventually wore on my back.

When we left, Pat gave us a gift - two Creative Memories scrapbooks, one for each of my children. I realized a couple of days later when I got them out to look that she had already started both of them. Even after six years, she still knows me well enough to know that I need a little push to get things moving.

Is There Such a Thing as Normal?

Day of Life: 36

Today is Canon's first day at his new school, Our Lady of Sorrows (OLS) Catholic School. You may remember that I visited this place a couple of weeks ago with my friend, Anna, and have been very excited about Canon being there. When we got ready this morning, I tried to do things in the normal routine I remember from home, but it never works that way when you're in a new place.

We made it to OLS around 9:00 this morning. When we first arrived, Canon was a little hesitant to walk through the front doors, but when he saw the four-seater buggies that the children ride in, he was sold! It took some convincing, but I eventually got him away from the buggies and into his classroom. His teachers, Pat Pat and Ms. Margaret, were excited to see him and introduced him to all of his new classmates who were playing with toys on the floor. Canon very quietly made his way over to the toys to check them out. He wouldn't speak to or acknowledge anything but the Elmo toy on the shelf and the climbing mats on the floor. I was relieved to see another boy in the classroom violently shaking a tupperware container full of plastic toys. Finally, Canon wouldn't be the most aggressive child in the class.

He did manage to take time away from his new discoveries to give me a hug and say "La Loo," but he just stared at me when I waved to him from the doorway. I think he was wondering if I was going to come back and get him or leave him there for a week. He didn't seem bothered by either choice. I will admit that, though he didn't seem to mind my absence, I shed a few tears at leaving him in a new place. I just can't help it. I get nervous just leaving him in a new church nursery for an hour. An all-day habitat is bound to draw some moisture.

My next stop was the hospital. I have somewhat of a ritual of coming in the room, setting my bags down, saying a quick "hey" to the baby, then scrubbing in so that I can reach in and touch her as soon as possible. Usually when I do this, I stroke her hair and pat her bottom, maybe even try to tuck her feet underneath. I might try to get her to hold my finger by laying her hand over mine to tempt her to grab hold. She typically tolerates me doing all of this, but - besides the improvement of oxygen saturation and heart rate on her monitors - she shows no real signs of recognition or appreciation. Today, however, when I reached across her to adjust something that was in her face, she grabbed my finger. I mean really took hold and squeezed.

She has squeezed my finger before, but this time felt more purposeful. Before, it seemed mostly out of reflex or just coincidence. Today, I felt recognized.

Though we are not quite ready for bottle feeds, we are trying to get her ready for them. Tera took easily to a pacifier when she first arrived here, but we haven't done much with it since that first week or two. Today, in an effort to encourage the suck reflex and to keep her mouth closed so that too much oxygen wouldn't escape, Tera slept with her pacifier once more. I love how it's almost half the size of her face.

She is continuing her slow weight gain, now to 1459 grams, 3 pounds 3 ounces. She is still taking 25cc feeds and tolerating those well. I don't know if I mentioned "residuals" in my past posts, but those are what is left over in the baby's stomach after she has eaten. They basically just pull it out through her feeding tube using a syringe to see how well she is digesting her milk. Though after most feedings Tera has little to no residuals, she occasionally has 1 or 2 cc and, if it is still intact, the nurse will just feed it right back to her. Yuck!

This isn't her best angle, but I like to take advantage of Back Shots.

And, of course, my favorite time of day - Holding Time.

For some reason during this hold, I couldn't get my shirt wrapped under her head, so she stayed in a little coccoon. We read a chapter from our book today for the first time in a few days. This chapter was about praying for your child's relationship with siblings. A very fitting chapter considering Tera's sibling has recently moved in. The chapter went as you would expect it to go. There were examples of sibling rivalries and fights that were made right through prayer and faith in God. What I took from this chapter is that, despite our best efforts, siblings are going to fight and compete and seem to despise one another. What we as parents must do is watch out for those short and infrequent moments when our children do show love toward one another. That is when we know our prayers are working.

When I think back on my childhood, I don't remember that much about my siblings as far as specific memories. My clearest memories are with my little brother, Robert. He is three and a half years younger than me and, because I was not as cool as my older brother and sister, we usually ended up stuck together. We had the same friends in our neighborhood and somehow always ended up in the same places. I can remember hating every minute of it. Why did he have to be with me all the time? Couldn't he find his own friends? But I also remember how gut-wrenching it felt if anyone ever expressed those same feelings about him to me. If one of my friends ever said something about wishing Robert was not there (he was a good bit younger than the rest of us), I got the urge to just slap them across the face or say something equally as rude about their siblings. I didn't, of course (at least, I think I didn't), but my insides wanted to. The point is that those are probably the moments my parents prayed for. That even when fighting and bickering and competition seemed to take over our lives, we were still secretly happy to have each other.

Our prayer tonight: "Cause Canon and Tera to be devoted to one another in brotherly love, honoring one another above themselves." Romans 12:10 and "Make our home a good and pleasant place, where brothers (and sisters!) live together in unity." Psalm 133:1.

I got a late start picking up Canon and was, again, stuck in traffic for quite some time. When I finally got to him, he ran to me excitedly (something he rarely does at his school in Dothan). His teachers explained that he had a very good day and blended in so well with the other students. I was embarrassed to find out that he was quick to correct other children when they did something wrong. "No, No" apparently came out of his mouth quite a few times. But they did not seem bothered by it.

Before heading home we stopped at Jamie and Bob's house to see some friends and to let Canon play with Eleanor for awhile. They had a great time. Canon seemed not to have gotten his aggression out at school because he frequently (but somewhat gently) tackled Eleanor to the floor. She seemed to love it, though, so I tried to let it go. At one point, I asked Canon to tell Eleanor that he was sorry for running into her. He ran at her with arms open saying "So-wy, So-wy." Eleanor immediately took on a defensive pose, tucking her arms into her chest and leaning over to protect herself from his force. Canon stopped and said, "No, No! Hug! Hug!" He grabbed her arms and pulled them apart, then gave her the biggest sweetest hug I've ever seen. I wish I had my video camera handy.

Back at home it was business as usual. Supper Time. Bath Time.

Then some quiet time with Nonna before climbing into bed . . .

. . . to start again tomorrow.

What About Barry

I think Barry will be working late a lot this week, now that he doesn't have a wife or child to tend to in the evenings. He's probably also getting in a lot of Sports Center and basketball. We got some FaceTime with him tonight, and we learned that all is well at home. He was at Josh and Mary's house, so we got to see them, too. Canon was able to say "hey" to Colt, who had a very interesting hair-do for the night. He had at least three rubberbands holding his hair up in all different directions. Canon and I both got a laugh out of that. Oh the fun those two neighbors are going to have when we get back home!

Gray Hairs

Day of Life: 35

I could not get out of my house fast enough this morning. Tera's oxygen continued to rise during the night to 35% when I checked in with the nurse sometime around midnight. Normally, this is nothing to get nervous about, but in Tera's limited history, increased oxygen = sick. I scrambled around the house throwing Canon's toys and snacks in boxes, throwing boxes and bags in the car, and eventually throwing Canon in the car. All of my efforts at straightening up yesterday are now wasted.

Canon and I got back to Birmingham around lunch time. I showered quickly and left Canon with Nonna and Lydia so that I could spend the afternoon at the hospital.

Finally!

Her oxygen was up, yet again, to 39%. The doctors had been monitoring her closely but saw no reason to worry at this point. One of our favorite CCN nurses was on today, and she let me get Tera out immediately.

I held her for a long time today, relatively speaking of course. At least an hour and a half, I'm sure. Everyone was in good spirits about her, so I calmed my own nerves about her pending sickness - I've been hearing the phrase "normal preemie stuff" a lot lately. On a more optimistic note, she continues to gain weight. Tera is now at 1441 grams, or 3 pounds 3 ounces. Her length was also measured last night. She has grown one centimeter to a total of 41. This whole Growing thing is a very slow process. Funny I say that now about Tera. Canon seems to have grown by leaps and bounds in no time at all.

While at the hospital, Nonna and Lydia sent me pictures of Canon's fun afternoon with them. After waking from his nap, he got some much needed time outdoors. Then it was playtime with puzzles and movies.

I was amazed that he let Nonna put the puzzle together. When I have tried to do this same thing in the past, he yells at me and rips the pieces apart. He only wants to pour the pieces out of the box, then put them back in. Then pour them out, and put them back in. It's an invigorating game, really. I realized when I saw this that, even though I've spent plenty of weekends with Canon since Tera was born, I really haven't gotten on the floor and played with him for several weeks now. He is doing things so differently, and the puzzle is only one example of this. I'm excited to see what else he has to show me in the coming weeks.

I made myself leave the hospital by 6:00. This is so hard to leave!

There are about four or five different options for getting from the hospital to Lydia's house, most of them major highways with various back road options if they get too crowded. At 6:00, I thought that surely rush hour traffic would be dwindling, so I decided to take the interstate. After spending a few minutes standing still in the line just to get on the interstate, I chose Option 2, Greensprings Highway. This road runs parallel to the I-65 and the biggest downfall is the number of traffic lights. The cars seemed to be moving at the moment I made my decision, so I thought I had made the right one. Wrong! As soon as I changed lanes, traffic stopped. I looked up at the interstate - stopped! To make a long story short, it took me 50 minutes to drive 9.2 miles (I mapquested it).

This guy . . .

. . . passed me at least twice, and I don't think I ever caught back up to him.

Man, I wish I was heading in other direction.

Yet another reason I miss Dothan.

I have found that when I am at the hospital, I only want to be there. I always have a hard time leaving, trying to make sure that my last look at Tera is just perfect. Of course, it never is. When Canon is in town, I feel this same way . . . until I actually leave the hospital. Then, I can't get back to him fast enough. I felt as frantic sitting in traffic this afternoon trying to get to Canon as I did this morning in Dothan trying to get to Tera. Is this why they say children give you gray hairs?

To calm myself down, I turned on Pandora radio on my iPhone (I really need to write Apple and thank them for making a phone that serves every single one of my non-basic needs) and found a station that would relax me. Nine miles later, I was finally back with Canon who, of course, wanted nothing to do with me!

Abandonment

Day of Life: 34

Today started far too early. Or maybe I've just gotten too accustomed to sleeping later than usual - typically 8:00 or later. 7:00 seemed impossible today. Canon's appointment was first. We saw Dr. McAllister, and she reported that he's doing great. He weighs 31 pounds and is almost 3 feet tall (35 3/4 inches, to be exact). Also, both of his tubes have finally fallen out of his ear canals, so we no longer have to wear those pesky earplugs whenever we get wet. Dr. McAllister didn't comment on all of the bruises on Canon's legs. Usually, I get offered a Child Safety brochure whenever I bring him in, but this pediatrician recognized him for what he is - just a boy. I decided to ask her, too, about our newest addition. When would Tera need to start her visits? How often would she have to come in? etc., etc. I don't know why, but I was surprised at how much Dr. McAllister knew about premature babies. She asked me about her birth, her oxygen needs, her heart rate. Are they rotating her head? What medicines has she had? I think I just met Tera's new pediatrician!

After his appointment, he joined his friends at school so that I could take care of my scheduled activities for the day. First was a call to the CCN. How was Tera? Where was her oxygen? Though she was doing great, her oxygen had increased to 30% through the night. Not horrible news, but since her last episode with increased oxygen (which led to apnea, lumbar punctures, urine cultures, and a head IV), I get a little antsy about even the smallest changes. The nurse assured me that she was fine. She had even gained some weight in the night. Still at 3 pounds 2 ounces (1430 grams), but every little gram counts.

After folding the piles of laundry at the house, I went to eat lunch with my students. They were sitting outside when I arrived and screamed with delight when they saw me. It was, of course, just as exciting to see them. They are currently in the middle of standardized tests and had just taken their longest test of the week. Besides just being excited to see me, they were also restless from so much focus and stillness. I got about a zillion hugs from all of them and managed to spend a little one-on-one time with a couple of kids that needed my extra attention.

Then off to my doctor's appointment where I got the "all clear" to do normal mommy things. Yes, that means I can even lift all 31 pounds of Canon. Doctor's orders! Dr. Nicholls and I talked about the night Tera was born, reliving some parts that we can now look back and laugh about. We talked again about the possibility of future children. He sees absolutely no reason why we can't have others, but they will be treated as high-risk pregnancies. We'll talk more about it later, but it's nice to know there's hope. It's also nice that this experience hasn't completely scared me out of more children.

I went back to school after this to visit with my co-workers and help my substitute with her needs. I was surprised at how few there were. I left school back in February completely unexpectedly and completely unprepared for someone else to take over. There were things only half-done, piles of junk on my desk, and no directions whatsoever as to how to get from 8:00 to 3:00 in my classroom. My only saving grace is Mrs. Hamilton, my classroom aide. In an effort to reduce my stress, she had started helping me out more and more in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. I had hoped that this would be helpful for my substitute, and I'm convinced that it was. Though there have been plenty of questions and lots to figure out over the last five weeks, Mrs. Henderson and Mrs. Hamilton have managed to run the class probably better than I could myself. Of course, there are things that are frustrating for them and things that might never run smoothly in my absence, but the students are happy and love Mrs. Henderson. I'm always looking for less to worry about.

Another call into the hospital resulted in the news that Tera's oxygen was very slowly climbing, now around 35%. Why did I decide to stay another night? There was no going back now. I was far too exhausted to drive safely to Birmingham, especially with a two-year-old in the backseat, and the house was still neglected. After dinner with Ed and Leslie, Barry helped me pick up the last of the clutter so that I could rest a little more peacefully.

Nonna and Poppa went to the hospital this evening to spend some time with Tera. Nonna took pictures for me to have a record of her day today.

This hat was crocheted by a childhood friend of Lydia's. It's a zebra and, though Tera won't fit into it for a few more months, it's not nearly as enormous as this picture shows. It's so cute!

Tera pulled her OG (feeding) tube out of her mouth today, and the nurse replaced it with an NG tube in her nose. I didn't think I would, but I like it better here. No more worms sticking out of her mouth.

Poppa likes to check everything out when he visits.

Life Revolves Around Time

Day of Life: 33

Today was much less emotional than I expected. I am going home for the first time today, and the plan is to come back to Birmingham tomorrow night with Canon in tow. I have a full day scheduled tomorrow with doctors' appointments for both myself and Canon and two visits to my school to see my students and help my substitute with whatever she needs. The plan is to leave Dothan during the early evening tomorrow and be back in Birmingham in time to put Canon to bed and go to the hospital for a quick visit with Tera. Now, I just have to get through today.

Barry and I went to a 10:30 service at Mountain Brook Community Church this morning. The thing about a 10:30 service is that it's early enough to prevent a hospital visit before church, but late enough that once the service is over and lunch is partaken, I end up at the hospital later than I like to. Basically, from the perspective of a mother with a child in the hospital, this is the worst possible time for a church service to start. At 11:30, I was watching the seconds tick by as the pastor showed no signs of letting up.

When did life become a game of clock watching for me? I think it started the day that I first came to Birmingham. Everything takes so much longer up here. It takes longer to get from one place to another. Longer to go out to eat. Longer to preach, apparently. I did try desperately to relax, but needless to say, I was eager to get to the hospital as quickly as possible to get as much time as possible with Tera before taking my first long distance trip away from her.

Barry was wonderful and, without me even thinking to ask, he offered to do everything for me - get lunch and a change of clothes - so that I could get to the hospital more quickly. God bless him!

When I finally made it there, the nurse immediately got Tera out for me to hold. I only had two precious hours, and there were other "motherly" things I had to do before leaving. I managed to get a couple of pictures before leaving.

Man, I'm going to miss that!

She's still gaining weight, up 2 more ounces to 1422 grams. 3 pounds 2 ounces.

I finally pried myself away a few minutes after 2:00. I picked up Canon in Prattville then headed home where, almost immediately upon arriving, I considered the possibility of staying an extra night. My friends would be arriving any minute to hang out, and as I said before, tomorrow is completely booked. I realized when I walked in the house what a mess I had left in my rush to get to Birmingham the first time. There were dishes from Barry's birthday party still in a box, clean laundry piled high in the laundry room, and plenty of clutter to sift through.

I called in to the hospital and the nurse surprised me with some wonderful news. Tera's oxygen, at 33% when I left, was now down to 25%! This is the lowest it's been since its initial climb over two weeks ago. The nurse explained that she was about to call me to report the great news, but I beat her to it. Finally, some good oxygen, I mean news. Because things were going so good with Tera, I decided that I could definitely stay one extra night. It was good to be home.

It was amazing to see so many of my friends. I forgot how many and loud we are! A lot has happened in a month. My pregnant friends are now more visibly pregnant - finally! Some friends have moved; others have put their houses on the market in preparation to move. The smaller babies in our group are now enormous, especially when compared to the three pound light-weight I'm so accustomed to viewing these days. So much has changed, but it's all still remarkable. I think I spent a lot of the night in an obvious haze, either staring at people while they talked, trying to catch up, or staring into the distance thinking about my other life in north Alabama. I'm eager for the day when I don't have to fight this balance. After everyone had gone and I climbed into my own bed for the first time in over a month, I longed for that day more than ever.

Life in the Slow Lane

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:1-2

Days of Life: 31 & 32

Friday

Friday definitely set the stage for the relaxing weekend ahead for Barry and myself. This is our first weekend in Birmingham without Canon, so we won't be doing any of the fun stuff like going to the zoo or playing on the playground. Instead, we're going to have to find ways to entertain ourselves. For me, that means hanging out at the hospital with Tera with occasional breaks to see friends. For Barry that means hanging out with friends with occasional breaks to come see Tera. Can you say "Men are from Mars . . .?"

Friday morning I drug myself out of bed to go back to the gym. Don't worry. I've only been walking on the treadmill or riding a stationary bike and using some machines on extra light weights. Nothing too strenuous, just enough to make me feel less like a slob. Then it was off to see Tera, who gained 6 grams last night. We are now at 1351 grams, still just shy of our three pound milestone.

The last few days with Tera have been so relaxing, and today was no different. Her calmness puts me into a bit of a trance as well. There are plenty of thank you notes I want to write or emails I want to respond to, but when she's quietly resting, I just want to be quietly resting. I've been reading the books on my nook a lot these last couple of days or just sitting by Tera's bed and watching her breathe. It's amazing the little things that bring joy.

Like her chubby (and hairy!) arms.

Or how she loves to hold her hand in front of her face.

Or getting to see her whole face. The nurses turn Tera over once every three hours when it's feeding time. They (or I) change her diaper, take her temperature and take note of things to record on her chart. Occasionally, if she's really good while we mess with her, the nurse will leave her on her back for awhile, just to give her experience in that position. Tera always de-sats within a few minutes of them leaving, but it's good that she gets this opportunity from time to time. Today, I remembered to get a few shots of her in a position where I could really see her.

And a short video. I actually took this video three times. The first two times I was recording, Sam and Barry were talking and saying dumb things, so they asked me to delete those. Of course, during those first two, she sneezed and did lots of other cute things. In this one, she started to de-sat - the nurse's sign to come turn her back over.

I held Tera for the first time since Sunday. I was finally convinced that my pink eye was officially gone, so I afforded myself the luxury of touching my own daughter. It's strange somehow that this simple act, something I took for granted before, is now one of the most meaningful parts of my day. She was very squirmy today. It's as if she couldn't get comfortable. The heart monitor tabs attached to her chest and stomach must have come slightly unstuck because her heart rate "waves" were very unconventional, rectangles and triangles instead of the typical straight and vertical lines.

Barry had arrived in the mid-afternoon - just in time to ruin my video! - and after a couple of hours, we left to join some friends for pizza and basketball. Of course, I called to check in, and Tera was fine as usual.

Saturday

My first look at Tera - her dark hair. It's difficult to tell here, but it's actually getting longer.

She gained 14 grams last night, up to 1363. Officially three pounds! If you told me two months ago I would have a three pound baby, I would have been terrified. Today, I feel like I might have the fattest baby at UAB! Apparently the paparazzi got to Tera before I did over this fantastic feat because, when I took her picture, she was tired of the flashing cameras!

Though I love all of Barry and Canon's visits, the weekends are the most difficult part of my week. I always feel torn as to who to spend time with. Of course, when Canon is here, there is no debate. I spend as much of his awake time as possible with him, then visit Tera during his naps or when I think he can handle being at the hospital for half an hour. I'm trying my darndest to balance having two children, but my emotions are usually a wreck when they're in the same city. With Barry, I'm a little more selfish. Though working out and basketball take up some of his time, it's easier to take advantage of Barry's time when he's here. I know that sounds horrible, but it's the hard truth. He has to be frustrated by the fact that if I'm not actually at the hospital, I'm talking about when I can go back. Or if it's late at night and we're both exhausted, I stay up later so that I can write about Tera. I'm always thinking about her, and I don't do a good job of hiding that fact when it's just Barry and me.

This was the struggle I had this afternoon as I realized that I only had a couple of hours with Tera before I needed to leave to go to a wedding. I almost started crying when I realized that I probably wouldn't get to hold her today. Because of my need to pump, Tera's need to eat, and our nurse's busy schedule discharging patients, the timing just wasn't working out. I was only a few minutes into my pumping session and almost in tears over this dilemma when the nurse came in to ask if I was ready to hold her. Throughout this month, I've been borderline religious about my pumping. I have developed quite a routine and am as on-schedule as life will allow me to be, rarely allowing myself to go more than thirty minutes or so past my three-hour scheduled time (unless, of course, I sleep through my alarm), even scheduling meals around pumping. Today, after only nine minutes (I usually go for 20 to 25) I decided that my emotional needs trumped the schedule. I turned off the machine and got ready to hold Tera. I'm so glad that I did. It's one of the best times we've had together.

She was so alert at the beginning. Her eyes were opened wide, but her body stayed still. It's difficult to take pictures of her when she is so close to me, but these are some of my favorite shots.

I love when I can catch her smiling. That's her feeding tube in her mouth, not a slimey worm. Yuck!

Once she fell asleep, she laid so still and peacefully. I read our chapter about praying for your child's relationships with friends. It was a meaningful chapter about praying that your children will not only choose Christian friends but also be faithful and loyal friends to others. I have to say here that I hope my children have all kinds of friends - different races, different religions, different backgrounds. I know that is a scary thought at times (for me, too), but I'm hoping that I will somehow encourage my children to be strong enough in their values and beliefs that having friends with different ideas won't be a negative influence, but instead a way to challenge and build their own faith base, not to mention do the same thing for those "different" friends. As usual, only time will tell.

What I remember most about our time together during this reading was just how calm Tera was. Yesterday, she was so jittery that I worried that maybe she just couldn't get comfortable. Today, however, we could have been laying on the sofa at home as a normal mother and daughter, enjoying an afternoon of rest. Even the occasional monitor beep could not disturb us today.

What About Canon

I don't know that Canon is going to want to come home with me after the last few days he's spent with MyGoo, Doc, and Ceil. The last two days that I've called, he's been far too busy to talk to me. He'll manage a "Hey, Mama!" in passing on his way to the next activity. Here are a few of the things he's been up to.

Building . . .

Coloring: "Lello? Where's the Lello?"

And enjoying the benefits of the local ice cream truck!

I can't wait to see him tomorrow. I'll pick him up from MyGoo and Doc in Montgomery on my way home. The sadness/nervousness I feel about leaving Tera is fighting the joy/excitement of seeing my friends and spending time with my family under our own roof.

Little Blessings

I am going to send an angel before you to protect you as you journey and to bring you into the place that I have prepared. Exodus 23:20

Day of Life: 30

I walked into a very quiet and peaceful room this morning. Tera was facing the wall. They rotate her head every few hours to try and shape her head. Of course, I want her to have a pretty round head, but I also love to see her face. Sometimes, I'll squeeze between her Isolette and the wall to try to catch a lop-sided glance.

Late yesterday evening, the nurse took out the IV in her arm. Yay! I'm sure now that it's out she'll give them a reason to put another one back in very soon, but I hope she gives them at least a few days free of needle-pokes. She gained 50 grams yesterday and now weighs 2 pounds 15.6 ounces (1345 grams). So close to that three pound mark! She's receiving the same amount of milk - 20cc - due to the recent infection scare. They'll probably bump that up again in the next couple of days since she's no longer getting her antibiotics. Also, her sodium count is back up to a healthy number, 139, but they'll continue to give her a sodium supplement until they're sure it won't drop again.

Dr. Carlo came by this morning to see if I had any questions. This is the first day that he has made any comment about her oxygen other than "It's fine. Don't worry." Though it has come down a few percentage points since her infection (from 45% at its highest to 39% today), he said that eventually this may be a concern. Some babies need that much additional oxygen until they are full term at 36 weeks. If, however, Tera's oxygen needs don't decrease in the next few weeks, or if she shows signs of infection of sickness again, Dr. Carlo explained that they will probably order an x-ray just to make sure that both lungs are . . . inflated, for lack of a better word. There is a chance that one lung could be collapsed (this is a possibility in all preemies, not specific to Tera), and it may need some help opening up. But as Dr. Carlo mentioned, we won't do anything until Tera gives us a reason to.

Tera's monitors were even quieter today than they were yesterday. The very limited de-sats that she did have were in the high 70s, and she managed to pull those up on her own. I'm giving myself yet another day of no touching or holding. I just hate the thought of giving her something else to fight off.

A few things to note around her room: This pillow was made by (Big) Tera when I was her aide in Hoover. She took Home Ec that year, and one of their projects was making pillows. Tera enjoyed it so much that she went home and made several more. This one was made especially for me, and now it is given especially for (Baby) Tera. The first few days she was here, the pillow sat in the bed with Tera. Soon after, however, the nurses received a memo to keep all stuffed items out of the beds to cut down on germs and bacteria. Now it sits under her monitor.

To personalize her bed as much as possible, I have used the blankets that our generous friends and family members have been sending. The blankets are used to both cover the foam pad in her bed and to cover the outside of the Isolette. Though you probably can't see, this blanket has Tera's name embroidered in the corner. It was sent to us in a basket full of goodies from members of our church. I'm embarrassed that I have no idea who had this made for her (there was no individual tag just for it). If it was you, please let me know!

I read to Tera about praying for emotional well-being today. I found this chapter to be as helpful for me as for my children. In this chapter, Berndt emphasizes that parents should make sure their children know that they are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) and that God values them. When our children know this, they don't have to seek love and affection from inappropriate relationships. They also learn to forgive those who have hurt them because our life is not based on how we feel but what we know, that God loves us and as such, we should forgive others because God forgives us.

One parenting tactic mentioned that I found especially interesting was used when Berndt and her family were preparing to move their family across the country from Winston-Salem, North Carolina to San Diego, California. Four years prior, they had moved from Atlanta to Winston-Salem and their then six-year-old daughter had a difficult time. In the midst of this new move, all four of her children were old enough to be effected, so Berndt and her husband devised a Christmas present illustration to help their children cope. They explained that God had given their family several presents. The first present was Atlanta, and the family agreed that everyone loved that one. Then the time came for them to open the second present, and it held Winston-Salem. The children agreed again that this present had been just as well-loved. Now, they have another present. "Do we want to open it and see what else God wants to give us - or should we just keep playing with the gifts we've already opened?" Of course, the children wanted to open it. She is clear that the move was not free of tears, anxiety, and periods of adjustment. However, because her children are secure in the love of God, they are able to maintain their joy and contentment no matter where life takes them.

As I said, this chapter was written as much for me as for my children. I know that God loves me, and I have an abundance of self-worth because of that. However, I have a very difficult time forgiving others because it usually is about how I feel. I hang on to every frustrating and hurtful thing tossed in my direction, and I rarely, if ever, confront those things and offer forgiveness. I should forgive, however, because this life is not about my feelings toward other people but the knowledge and love I have for God. If He can love and forgive a minion such as myself, then who am I not to love and forgive as well.

Our prayer tonight is this: "When Canon and Tera are confronted with grief, uncertainty, fear, or pressure, remind them of your promise in Isaiah 41:10: 'Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Today is Thursday, which means the March of Dimes is hosting a Family Hour for lunch. During this lunch we would be discussing Kangaroo Care - the skin-to-skin holding method that Tera and I have been doing - so I decided to attend. We mostly looked at the benefits of holding babies, especially preemies, using this method. Basically, babies tend to simply be better when they're against their mother's skin. Their heart rate evens out. Some babies who normally need oxygen don't seem to need it as much when they're held this way. Their temperature is regulated by the mother's body. We were even told that often times, a mother's body temperature will adjust to the needs of the baby during the hold. If it's too cold in the room, the mother's body will warm up to keep her child at a safe temperature. I've even heard one story of a woman with twins. One twin had a more difficult time maintaining his temperature. When the mother would hold both babies, one side of her body would naturally get warmer to accommodate her son's needs while the other side remained at a more regular temperature for his sibling. No medicine can explain that phenomenon. How could we not have been created by God?

We learned that this method of care was started in Colombia, South America. The hospital did not have enough incubators to house all of their babies, and they found that mothers could provide the same environment. Studies were done and showed that simply holding some premature babies 24 hours a day had the same (if not better) results as an incubator. Of course, this didn't work for all babies, but the results were amazing. The video followed two mothers whose doctors deemed to be the best caretakers of their preemies. The mothers took their babies home and carried them against their chests all day every day, only taking them out to eat and change their diapers. One of the babies had a twin who was not strong enough to survive outside the incubator, so they visited that sibling in the hospital. Another story told of a mother who delivered twins. One of the twins was born showing no signs of life. The mother asked to hold her seemingly dead baby, and after a couple of minutes, the child started breathing and moving. A couple of hours later, he opened his eyes. He survived and, from the video we saw, seems to be a very healthy/chubby baby.

I mentioned after the last Family Hour luncheon I attended that there are so many families here with stories far less joyful than ours. I continue to learn of even more babies and families who are suffering in a variety of ways. If you don't want to know about them, you might want to skip this paragraph. I want to mention them for two reasons. First, these stories give me a new perspective on my life right now and make me so proud of my strong baby girl. And second, I do share a connection with these mothers, and as difficult as it is to listen to their stories sometimes, I think it's necessary that I not forget them and their struggles. Earlier in the week, I walked past a room where a full-sized baby was screaming incessantly, and I wondered why no one (especially his mother) was not consoling him. Later that morning, I learned that this baby was suffering from withdrawals from all the drugs his mother took during pregnancy. His nurse had been in and out of his room all day, trying to do what she could. I share no connection with that mother, but I am emotionally drawn to the child. I met a woman today whose son was scheduled to go home in January, but days before his discharge he contracted pneumonia. He was put back on the ventilator and now, there is no new discharge date in sight. Another mother died of swine flu this week. Her child and widowed husband are somewhere on my floor. Finally, I learned that a baby (whose mother I met last week) has a very low chance of survival. Though overwhelmingly sad and horrible, this is the sad truth of where I spend most of day and where Tera lives. These stories help me realize how fragile every baby's life is, even healthy babies like Canon was. All babies are "miracle babies." I can't tell you how much joy I get every morning when I write a new date on my milk labels. It's a reminder that we've made it one more day.

After a few hours of recharging at Lydia's this afternoon, Nonna and I returned to the hospital to meet Poppa, who had driven in from Winfield just to visit Tera for a moment. Our favorite nurse from the RNICU was back from her two week vacation, and she came down to visit. I just can't help but take random and various pictures. Some don't make sense, but it's just my attempt to catch little things that I think are important to remember.

This is Tera pushing up on her knees, as if she's ready to crawl right out of her bed.

She doesn't seem to have a favorite place to keep her hands. Sometimes their tucked under her chin, shoved under her belly, twisted behind her neck, or stretched out into the distance. I've focused on her feet so much in the past weeks, I thought her other appendages might need some attention.

And this one is just cute.

After a couple of hours, Nonna and I headed back to Lydia's. I'm always hesitant to leave her but also usually tired enough to know I won't be of any good use there beside her.

What About Barry and Canon

Barry left this morning to attend his meeting in Nashville, and Canon enjoyed his day with MyGoo and Doc in Greenville. MyGoo reported that he slept from 8:00 last night until almost 9:00 this morning. Apparently, this whole experience is as draining on him as it is the rest of us. After a fun-filled morning with MyGoo and a quick afternoon nap, his could-be-twin cousin, Ceil, came over to play in the new Pirate Ship.

I'm thinking they had a good time.

Nothing like a story told by Doc to end a good day.