Lap Babies

Day of Life: 43

Today, Tera is six weeks old and eight weeks away from her due date. If you're wondering what a 32-weeker is doing in utero, I can only guess that it's what Tera is doing now. I'm not usually what people would call an "avid" reader, especially when it comes to reading for academic purposes. During my pregnancy with Tera, I couldn't read enough mindless romance novels. I made it through about half a dozen Nicholas Sparks books in the first three or four months. Those followed Round 2 of the Twilight series last summer. Now while in the hospital, I have read "The Life and Death of Charlie St. Cloud" (romance-ish) and "Half Baked," a book written by a preemie mother about her experience with her daughter born 15 weeks early. Her child went through a much more difficult time than mine (which is probably why she was able to get a book published about it). In her writing, she shares so much knowledge about when babies develop many of their physical characteristics, sharing even the smallest details, like when a baby's nipples appear. From the looks of Tera, they're somewhere in the process now. This is all to say that "Half Baked" is the most research on prematurity or childhood development that I've done . . . ever. Unless, of course, you consider questioning nurses and doctors as research, in which case I research daily. There are days when I consider it, but if there's one thing I've learned about preemie babies it's that no two are alike. I'm afraid that research - like "Half Baked" - might be worst-case scenario kind of material. So instead, I take pictures and enjoy what I have.

Lydia went with me to the hospital this morning. We arrived just in time for Tera's 11:30 feeding. The nurse suggested that I hold Tera while she was swaddled. Flashbacks from the last time I held Tera wrapped in a blanket flooded my mind. It was right before she got sick a little more than a week ago. Tera didn't like it, and I didn't like how her monitors responded. I explained all of this to the nurse, but she assured me that Tera was bigger and better now. Plus, she needs experience being swaddled. She'll be in a crib pretty soon and will have to lay on her back wrapped like a burrito from then on.

Speaking of going into a crib, Tera is now on only 23% oxygen in her isolette. If you recall, room air is 21% oxygen, so she's getting very close to that point when she will be able to breathe completely on her own and, thus, be able to lie in an open crib. Of course, it might take two weeks for her to get there, or I could walk into the hospital tomorrow morning to find her in a new bed. As I said before, you never know with a preemie. She has already met the other criteria for being in a crib, the only one of which I know is her weight. Babies must be 1600 grams to get out of their isolettes, and Tera is now at 1700, or 3 pounds 12 ounces. Keep praying that infection, disease, and all other things germ-ridden stay far from my daughter. These things cause sickness, which causes weakness, which causes increased oxygen, which causes prolonged time in a glass bed. Besides, nobody likes a sick baby.

When I complied with the nurse's suggestion that we begin acclimating Tera to swaddling, we made the preparations. The nurse got her all bundled up . . . (She says that if she ever loses her job at UAB, she'll go to work for Moe's because she is sure that she can successfully roll their monstrous burritos without losing any of the fixings!)

. . . while I adjusted my chair and got ready for the hand-off.

I know this picture is fuzzy, but I love that we're both looking at each other.

While I will continue to do skin-to-skin holds as often as possible because of the obvious benefits they provide to both of us, I have to admit that holding Tera this way was different in a very good way.

I liked it most because I could really see her face. She made some very interesting expressions, most of which neither Lydia nor I could catch on film, but here are our best attempts. This one is by far our favorite.

I sure hope she's going to grow into that nose soon.

She gave me some very serious faces . . .

. . . and yawned several times during our one and a half hour hold.

And then there is our sweet little Elf.

There were several times that her eyes crossed in their efforts to focus on the things around them. I finally took a video to see if I could catch her doing it. Watch closely, and you will see them slowly come together.

She stayed awake for a very long time, almost an hour I think, before finally giving in to her heavy eyelids.

If you've read my earlier entries, you know that anything that makes this experience seem like a typical "mother and her newborn" encounter is a good thing to me. Holding Tera all bundled up felt like that today. We could have been anywhere - at home, or at Alicia's house while she held Kinley the same way. By the way, Kinley was born last Monday, and Alicia and I are already making plans to take the girls to Mellow Mushroom this summer. We took Canon there just before Ava was born two years ago and then again last summer, when they were much harder to handle. Kinley and Tera will hopefully get their first scent of that fabulous pizza in the months to come.

My point, of course, is not about pizza but about recognizing those typically unappreciated moments in life when things are neither overwhelmingly good nor devastatingly bad. They are just moments in life that need to be noticed.

I had another such moment on this very same day when Lydia and I picked Canon up from school early to go see a movie. We went to see Hop, the cartoon movie about the Easter Bunny. I won't go into any more detail just in case you want to see it. Anyway, back to my moment. Canon climbed into my lap once we were seated, and I thought how amazing it is to have held both of my children in my lap in the same day. I know this has happened many times in the last couple of weeks, especially since my Kangaroo holds with Tera have become daily events, but today just felt more typical. I know it's strange to consider typical things as being so special, but these days they are.

Canon's lap time didn't last nearly as long as Tera's. Soon, he was sitting on the floor next to me, viewing the movie from behind the crack between the two seats in front of him and eating a medium-sized bag of popcorn almost completely on his own. (Ok, I helped a lot and Lydia helped a little).

I know this looks really gross - sitting on the floor of a movie theater - but I made sure he didn't eat any popcorn off the floor, and I know he has plopped down on much worse surfaces than this.

Back at Lydia's, we did our normal Night Time routines, including dinner, bath, calling Barry, and finally bedtime.

What About Barry

Barry is exhausted, like his wife. I got a text from him at 8:00 tonight that said "Call when you can. Going to bed early." Lucky dog! When I sent him a picture of me holding Tera, I asked if he might be interested in holding her this way, knowing that she was all bundled up with less exposure to germs. He said that he would when she gets to be 5 pounds. I'm still not sure that he'll let anyone else hold her until after we are back home, but I would really love to see him try it if only for a few minutes.

Growing

Day of Life: 42

Our nurse greeted me in the hallway this morning with an, "I have something to show you!" I didn't know what to expect, but the excitement in her voice let me know it wasn't anything to be afraid of. As we walked in the room, she explained that earlier this morning, she had put the zebra hat on Tera "just for fun" and found that it fit better than anticipated.

There's still plenty of room for growing, but anything that shows how much bigger Tera is getting is good news to me. She is, in fact, continuing to grow. She gained almost a whole ounce at last night's weigh in, now at 3 pounds 10.9 ounces (1675 grams) and is 42 centimeters long which, sources tell me, is right at 16 1/2 inches. I wish I could explain to you how much bigger she looks now, and healthier. Her skin, like her hair, is getting darker (I'm starting to wonder where she came from), her hands and feet are chubbier, and there's not quite as much loose skin on her arms and legs as there was only a few weeks ago. I told MyGoo when we first arrived at UAB that we were getting ready to watch pregnancy on the outside, and that is just what is happening.

In addition to seeing her physical changes, Tera's internal changes are also becoming more evident. She is having fewer apnea spells (none to speak of in the last couple of days) which tell us that the part of her brain that tells her to breathe is developing. While her respiratory rate can still be high at times, it is slowing down at increasing intervals. This tells us that she is learning to take deeper, more efficient breaths instead of the multiple short breaths that don't hold much oxygen saturation. Because of this, her oxygen saturation is also higher, causing her need for additional oxygen to slowly decrease. Today, the oxygen in her isolette is down to 25%. She still needs a little extra when she lays on her back - something she will have to do consistently in the coming weeks - but in the big picture, she's definitely improving.

To celebrate this continuing improvement and noticeable changes, I mostly just took pictures of Tera today. Though I tried to take several while she was in her bed, most of them were taken while I held her. The isolette just causes too many glares. I did manage to get a few keepers, however.

As if the hat was not enough, our nurse continued to play dress-up with Tera by placing her very first bow in her hair. I love that Tera is finally to a point where we can do these fun things with her. While we are always mindful of her fragility, I also like to be reminded that I can, at times, still treat her like a baby rather than a patient.

All I could think today is that she is looking more and more like Barry (without the pink bow, of course).

These next photos were taken just after putting her back in her bed after our Kangaroo hold. She flails around more than usual when she's on her back, acting as if she might be falling from the sky - arms and legs flung about in spastic motions. Today, however, when the nurse rolled her back onto her stomach, she whined and fussed in frustration, even attempting to push herself back over onto her back. So, the nurse complied.

"Reach for the sky!" as Woody would say.

And now, the cutest pictures. Be mindful that I take these pictures myself with one hand on Tera and the other on the shutter button of the camera/iPhone, so be kind when you judge the allignment and clarity of each one.

She has recently begun to find her thumb.

Of course, I had to get some with the Retro Camera.

During our second hold of the day, the nurse brought me a mirror so that I could see Tera's expressions better. /

The last two days, I have been dozing off while holding Tera. I'm being modest when I say "dozing" because it's actually more like taking the initial plunge into a coma. The force of my head falling harshly to my chest usually wakes me up if the sounds of Tera's monitors don't do it first. It's embarrassing, and I always look around the room to make sure there is no one hiding behind Tera's isolette who might giggle at the sight of my head flopping limply around on top of my neck. (So that's how babies feel).

I am also trying to highlight various things around Tera's rooms that are meaningful. Today we have Tera's bulletin board. In addition to some of the notes, cards, and prayers that Tera has received from friends and family, I also include different things that the hospital staff has given. For example, the March of Dimes calendar gives me a layout of all of the activities planned for the month. The Music Therapist leaves her note each time she plays and sings for Tera. The sign in the top right corner was made by my friend, Leah, in Dothan. Canon has one, too!

I had intended to leave the hospital early enough this afternoon to go to the gym before picking up Canon. I've only been a few times in the last couple of weeks and just can't quite get into a routine of doing it. When I got ready to leave today, Tera was wide awake. She had just filled a diaper with a very foul smelling . . . we'll just call it a mess and leave the rest to your imagination . . . and seemed very happy about it. For the few minutes prior to this, she was de-satting quite a bit and obviously irritated about something. That something eventually made it's way out of her system and all was well with her world again. When the nurse flipped her over for me to change, she stayed so alert and awake that I just couldn't walk away, especially after the nurse decided to leave her rolled slightly on her side - to give her a new perspective I think.

I stayed until the last comfortable second. Tera's eyelids were starting to get heavy, and I knew sleep was coming soon. She still seemed to be trying to find something to focus on, so I moved the zebra hat to within what I hope is sight range for her developing eyes. When Canon was just a few days old, I read somewhere that babies can't distinguish one color from the next but do like to look at start contrasts, like black and white. I took tiny white pieces of paper and, using a black marker, drew random pictures on them before taping them on the inside of Canon's bassinet. I thought that the zebra hat might serve the same purpose with its white and black stripes.

I made it to OLS in plenty of time to get Canon. We had to make a quick stop at the grocery store to pick up dinner fixings for tonight. Sam and Alicia came over to make chicken casserole. They are currently living in Sam's uncle's basement while they work to sell their two pieces of real estate (a house and a condo) in Mobile, where they moved from last October. Sam has been craving chicken casserole but has had no place to cook it. Lydia graciously offered up her kitchen, and an hour later, dinner was served.

I took this picture to send to Brittney, Canon's first and favorite baby-sitter. She is a student at Auburn now and hasn't seen him in a couple of months, so I wanted to show her how much he has grown. Even after taking it, I was surprised at how much he has grown, not just in physical stature but in his overall look. I shouldn't be so surprised that as Tera is changing so constantly and consistently, so is Canon.

One Foot, Two Foot

Day of Life: 41

My call into the night nurse left me feeling sad and slightly betrayed. Tera is fine, so don't worry about that. During our conversation, the nurse mentioned that she had given Tera a bath. A bath? Like in the sink? No, she assured me. She washed her off in her isolette. That was ok. I'd heard that other nurses had done that in the past. When I arrived at the hospital this morning, however, I learned that it was a slightly bigger deal. Our day nurse informed me that, based on the report she got this morning, she had a real live bath. Like a baby-sitting-in-soap-and-water kind of bath. Apparently, the night nurse put Tera in a tiny bucket in her isolette and bathed her (because she would get too cold in the sink), and from the day nurse's best look at her records, this is the first time this was done. I can't help but be disappointed. Why couldn't I have been there for it? Or at least gotten a call from someone to see if I wanted to be around? I have no pictures of my tiny child sitting in a tiny bucket with water trickling down her face.

Holding Tera helped make up for it, and this particular moment . . .

. . . made it all go away for awhile.

On a much better note, Tera is now taking a full ounce (30 cc) during each of her feeds. She is also up to 3 pounds 10 ounces (1645 grams). The pediatrician stopped by to check on us. She explained that she had already been around with the Neonatologist and reported that Tera was doing great. "She's one of my best babies," were pretty much her words. Maybe even, "She's my best baby!" but I won't get too carried away.

After the pediatrician left, I opened our book to begin reading. Our chapter today is on praying for your child's marriage. I'm sorry, but I couldn't make myself read it. I know that I will need to be praying about this long before either of my children are close to being ready to get married, but now is just not the time. The closest thing I can pray for in this regard is that the guy Tera chooses to marry doesn't leave her after reading all of this sappy stuff that I am writing now. And that Canon's future spouse is already taking punches and tackles from older brothers to prepare for his "strong love" as I will call it from now on. The book was closed, and we sat in peaceful silence for the next half hour.

Now for today's Picture Montage. I have never thought that she did before, but she looks so much like Barry to me in this first picture.

Because she could tell I was a little upset about missing the bath, our nurse suggested taking her footprints, and I was ecstatic. There is a place in Tera's Early Arrival Journal for footprints, and I keep forgetting to ask someone to do it for me. So, after lunch and just before her 2:30 feeding, the nurse got to work.

This shouldn't be as exciting as it is, but I never saw Canon's footprints taken (and his Daddy never took pictures of it if he saw it) nor have I seen Tera's prints taken yet. I see other friends' pictures of their child's prints being taken, and I have to admit my jealousy. This just felt like a big deal to me. So here we go.

Right Foot:

Left Foot:

Big Foot:

After cleaning her up, the nurse let me get Tera out for the second time today. It's the first time I've held her twice in one day. Again, I tried to get out the prayer book, but I just couldn't make myself read it. This time, I took a nap with Tera, dozing off for a few minutes here and there to make up for my middle-of-the-night wakings.

I said my final good-byes for the day, it was time to get Canon. The weather had looked threatening all day, so much so that I called in to OLS to make sure they weren't planning on closing early. They weren't, so I made my planned 5:00 arrival at the school. I managed to pick up Canon, take care of our weekly grocery shopping at Publix, and get to Lydia's before the weather got bad.

Canon loves these buggies at Publix.

I have found that he is much more pleasant in a place if I get him to help me with as much as possible. At the grocery store, I give him items to throw in the basket while we walk around. But it's at the cash register that he really gets to work. He insists on helping me unload the cart ("My do it!"). Once that is empty, he swipes my credit card ("My do it!") and signs the electronic pad with some gibberish spelling ("My do it!"). It always gives me comfort when the phrase "Signature Accepted" comes on the screen when Canon pays (sarcasm implied).

Back at Lydia's, we ate and spent some time watching cartoons and putting together a puzzle before calling it a day. The storm started picking up force just as I put Canon to bed. Hopefully, he is like his parents and sleeps best in these weather conditions.

What About Barry?

If there's ever a day that you don't need to worry about Barry, it's today. For three minutes on this night every year, Barry is filled with enough joy to last him until this very day next year. Tonight the NCAA Basketball Championship game was played. Barry, of course, loves to watch the game and always has a team to root on - usually the under dog. But it's not the game that gives him joy. The disappointment of a loss is only temporary and the thrill of a win is only made better when, after the closing ceremonies, Barry shushes the extra noises in the room and focuses all of his attention on Luther Vandross' (now Jennifer Hudson's, I think) voice as it comes through the speakers. The highlights from the tournament flash across the screen, and "One Shining Moment" plays in the background. It is the song played at the finale of every NCAA basketball tournament to commemorate a team's desperate struggle for athletic victory. If you think I am kidding about this, I am not. These are what I interpret to be Barry's innermost thoughts based on the number of times I have been quieted and ignored during it and based on the size of the smile on his face when this song is played. It's so unbelievably monumental, that I'm not even allowed to sing it to him at other times during the year. It's sacred only to this one shining moment. If you haven't heard it already, you should check it out at some point. It's the single cheesiest song I have yet to listen to in my life, and I was an avid Garth Brooks fan in my much younger days.

As much as I make fun of him for it, I really like to be with him during this time just because it brings him so much happiness, and I love to be there to see it on his face. I just got his text "Time for the song," and I could feel the excitement in his message. I can't help but smile to know how happy he is going to be for the next three minutes.

Tossing Pennies and Magic Tricks

Days of Life: 39 & 40

Saturday

Our usual Saturday schedule commenced this morning. Barry got up early to work out while I prepared myself for Canon's typical 7:00 - 7:30 wake time. He slept in the Pack 'n Play in Lydia's room last night and woke up in the middle of the night wanting his juice (he's been doing this a lot lately). So as not to further disturb Lydia's rest, I put him in the bed with us. He's only done this one other time in his life, so I wasn't surprised that it took him a good half hour to fall back asleep. I shouldn't have been too shocked, then, when he slept until almost 9:30 this morning, giving me time to relax on the couch with a movie and Barry time to return from his workout. Once we were ready to start our day, we headed to Homewood Park to let Canon wear himself out. I ordered pizza and brought it to the park for us to continue enjoying the outdoors. Then, we were off to the hospital.

There is a fountain just outside the doors to the WIC, and it is Canon's favorite thing about visiting Tera. He loves to throw pennies in the fountain. Doc taught him to do this during Christmas when he gave Canon a penny to throw into the coi fish pond at the local Chinese restaurant in Greenville. Ever since then, where there is water, there should also be pennies. I gave Canon three pennies to throw - we're trying to teach him limits - but that didn't stop him from digging in my purse to try to find more.

That got a good scolding from Daddy.

Canon and Barry only stayed at the hospital for a few minutes before going back to Lydia's for a much needed nap. I, of course, took advantage of the quiet and got my daughter out to hold.

While I held her, I noticed that I didn't use the blow-by oxygen nearly as much as I normally do. I typically try to settle it several inches from Tera's face so that it is blowing in the general vicinity pf her airways but not directly at her. I can usually find a comfortable spot where her oxygen saturation stays within its healthy range, and then we don't have to worry about it during our time together. Today, however, she continued to high-sat wherever I placed it, so I eventually just laid it at her feet, still blowing up toward her face but not giving her any real benefits. There were a handful of times that I brought it closer to bring her sats back up, but otherwise, the blow-by stayed fairly unnecessary. Her bed oxygen level showed this same improvement. It is down from 35% yesterday to 28% today. I admitted to our nurse how wrong I was in my prediction of Tera's pending infection on Wednesday.

Still taking 27cc at each meal, Tera now weighs 3 pounds 7 ounces (1575 grams). She is well within weight range for taking a bottle but still not developmentally ready for it. She is continuing to stay alert for longer periods of time, even managing to lie on her back more and more frequently.

This is the last shot I got before leaving the Burier.

I promised Barry that if he stayed at Lydia's during Canon's nap this afternoon, I would keep Canon completely out of his hair during both Final Four basketball games tonight. We made plans to watch them at JD and Laura's, so at 5:00 I headed that way. When I called to let Barry know I was coming, he explained that Canon never took a good nap this afternoon. He had fallen asleep in the car on the way back to Lydia's - never a good sign. Barry had laid down with him once they were back at the house, but I don't think Canon slept more than a few minutes before waking up again. He spent the rest of the afternoon playing with his cousin, Xan, who was visiting for the day.

When I arrived to take over the parenting responsibilities, I found an excitable little boy - a good sign that sleep is in the near future. Canon has recently learned a trick, taught to him by Lydia's boyfriend, Christian, a couple of weeks ago. I'll let him show you.

Afer the show, JD and I took Canon to Academy Sports so that I could get him some shoes. He was completely alert throughout the trip, even pitching quite a fit in the check-out line. Once in the car, he repeated over and over that he was hungry and wanted "chichin fwies" - translation: chicken and fries. The more he said it, the more slurred and whiney his voice became. I had chichin fwies in his possession within ten minutes and no more than five minutes later, this is what I found in the rearview mirror:

He went straight into the Pack 'n Play when we got back to JD and Laura's, and we didn't hear from him again until we woke him up to leave. Funny story: When putting him in the Pack 'n Play, I was cradling him in both arms and leaning over the side to try to lay him gently in his bed. I almost had him on the mattress when his weight became too much for me, and he rolled out of my arms, landing flat on his face. I think he opened his eyes long enough to make sure he wasn't dead, then went right back to sleep.

Sunday

Today's church service was not nearly as anxiety-driven as last week's. I managed to actually enjoy this service which, ironically, included a sermon about Mary and Martha. For those of you not familiar with this story, during a visit from Jesus, Martha is left to do all of the work while Mary sits and talks with Jesus. Martha becomes understandably agitated and tells Jesus to insist that Mary come and help her with all of the preparations. Jesus' response to Martha is that Mary is actually doing what is right by spending time with Him instead of getting caught up in daily life. It was hard to be too antsy to get on with my life after reading straight from the Bible that I needed to relax.

After church, Lydia stayed with Canon during his nap so that Barry and I could visit Tera.

Barry was able to stay long enough to eat lunch and spend a few minutes with his girls before leaving for home. I think he is slowly getting more and more comfortable with our situation. It's just not in his nature to sit anywhere for more than a few minutes unless there is a sporting event within eye and ear shot.

After he left, I spent my usual afternoon with Tera, now up to 3 pounds 8 ounces (1610 grams) and taking 28cc of milk each feeding.

We read in our book about how to pray for your child's purpose in life. I found this chapter highly enjoyable, I think because it is directed toward mothers. One of my favorite lines in the chapter came from one of the author's friends: "Our job is to equip (the children). God's job is to call them." She was expressing the importance of not pushing our children into doing what we want them to do, most obviously in the way of career paths but I think it applies to lots of situations. She uses another author's (Jean Fleming) suggestions for praying for our children's future as we do the following things.

1. Acknowledge that God's hand is in their lives.

2. Admit areas that we resent God in how He created our children.

3. Accept and thank God for how He made our children.

4. Affirm God's purpose for our children's lives.

5. Ally ourselves with God as His plans are followed through.

Our prayer tonight: "Let Canon and Tera be glad for all you are planning for them. Let them be patient in trouble, and prayerful always." Romans 12:12.

And then it was time to leave.

Canon was still asleep when I arrived back at Lydia's almost four hours after initially leaving. He woke up as soon as I walked in the room, however, and was excited to see me. Lydia and I took him to Homewood Park again to kick his Toy Story ball around. We had a great time. Of course, Lydia had to watch from the side. She is still in a full-leg knee brace and on crutches. I think we gave her some pretty good entertainment as Canon fell about every ten steps or so. Most times when he reached down to grab the ball (which is about half the size of an exercise ball), he would roll right over it and onto the ground. I'm sure some parents were tempted to call DHR. I tend to not make a big deal over things like falling, opting instead to have him "Jump up!" or "Shake it off!" Some of his falls looked fairly abusive, but there was no blood so I assumed all was ok. Maybe we'll start doing some balance exercises in the coming days.

Funny Things

Day of Life: 38

We've made it to April! I know that it is not a significant milestone in Tera's life, but the start of a new month feels like a big deal to me.

Canon finally cried today when I left him at school. I'm sure that sounds horrible that I would want him to cry. I don't. Actually, it broke my heart when I walked away listening to him call out "Mama! Mama!" But in my limited experience (today included) daycare teachers seem to want the mothers of crying children to make a quick exit strategy so that they can get on with their day. I hated leaving him like that, but honestly, it made me feel a little better. He's finally starting to need me again.

I got to the hospital earlier than usual this morning. It seems that this typically happens on days immediately following other days that I get less time with Tera. I'm always extremely eager to get back.

We had a very pleasant morning together. Tera did her usual eat, sleep, have vitals checked, repeat pattern. I spent most of the morning on my computer - in between staring and touching sessions, of course. I started a tradition last year of giving Blog Books as Christmas gifts to my children's grandparents and great-grandparents. There is a website I use to publish all of my posts from a single year into a book. I usually have this done much sooner than April, but what can I say? Unexpected things have recently come upon me. I finally got those completed and shipped to their respective owners today. I also managed to catch up on this blog. My trip home earlier this week left me a few days behind on my updates (sorry about that). I understand that some people have been worried that something terribly wrong has happened with Tera, and I must be too distraught to write about it. The exact opposite is true, however.

Tera continues to grow, now to 3 pounds 6 ounces, and she has graduated to an official preemie diaper. I know, I know. You're probably wondering what she's been wearing up until this point if not a preemie diaper. Well, truth be told, I'm not sure myself. All I know is that today, our nurse pulled out a genuine package of Huggies diapers. No special ordering needed. Just grabbed right off the shelf and stuffed in a bag at WalMart (or bought in bulk and shipped to UAB at no additional charge).

I'm sure you remember the picture of her first diaper. It barely covered the palm of my hand, and now you almost can't see my fingers. The joy is in the simple things these days. You can tell from the above picture that they are slightly on the large side (in fact, she managed to crawl out of it at one point!). When I came in from lunch today I saw that Tera had a dirty diaper, so I took matters into my own hands and changed it (after getting permission from a nurse, of course). When I pulled the tabs across to fasten it, I literally pulled the right-side tab all the way to her left leg and vice versa. If she can handle it, I can.

As a side note, I felt a bit silly walking around the floor today trying to find a nurse to get permission to change my own child's diaper (our nurse was at lunch). I almost did it without asking, but I just knew that I would unhook something important - like a wire or possibly a part of Tera's body - and I wasn't willing to take that chance. It was only yesterday that I flipped Tera over for the first time. I'm sorry I didn't write about it then, but it is really something to be proud of. Throughout this whole experience, my family and I have marveled at how the nurses handle the babies. To turn them over, they grab the baby's head with one hand and their rear end with the other. They hold the baby's head still, and with one swift motion, rotate the bottom half of the body until it is facing up. It takes less than two seconds and literally looks like the neck could snap at any moment. Thank goodness it hasn't yet. It's not dangerous at all . . . it just looks scary to those of us not accustomed to it. You can understand, then, why it has taken me more than five weeks to become comfortable enough to do this myself. I am not very good at it, by the way. I know that 3 pounds does not sound like a lot of weight, but when you're holding a baby by the head, it feels impossible to lift.

Instead of lifting and twisting, I tend to follow this procedure:

1. Lift slightly off the bed.

2. Roll her over about a quarter turn.

3. Lay her down to rest my weak arms.

4. Check for breathing.

5. Lift again.

6. Roll remaining quarter turn.

7. Check for breathing.

8. Adjust wires and tubes that inevitably got tangled.

9. Check for breathing.

10. Give sigh of relief that all parts seem to be intact.

Now do you understand my need to get permission before doing something as simple as changing my child's diaper?

One great thing about Tera getting bigger is that when she is awake, she is so much more alert than usual.

Not only is she awake longer, but when she is awake, she is always watching what is around her. This is when I really wish I knew what she was thinking. What can she see? What does she think it is? Is she bored? Is she scared? Does she have an itch? Barry is convinced that most of the time, a baby is crying for something as simple as an itch that he is unable to tell us about. Though this is actually somewhat insightful, I can't help but wonder what would happen if, when we bring Tera home and she wakes up crying at 2:00 in the morning, I ask Barry to go scratch her until she falls back asleep. Would he think it was an itch then?

Barry drove up today to spend the weekend with us. I picked Canon up from school a little early so that we could get back to Lydia's to meet him. Again, Canon was completely exhausted when I got there. This ensures me that he is having a great time. He couldn't quite make it to Lydia's before falling asleep while eating his snack.

Thank goodness for this cat nap. It put him in an excellent mood for going out to dinner with Barry's family. In previous posts, I've mentioned a couple of changes I've noticed in Canon, and dining out is one of them. There was a time (not long ago, I might mention), when Barry and I simply would not take Canon anywhere. He talked loudly, screamed when he didn't get his way, banged forks on the table, and ran around like a crazy person when all attempts at keeping him in a highchair failed. Now, however, he has matured quite a bit. He's still a two-year-old, mind you, but he's improving his communication skills so that he can both say what he wants from us and understand what we want from him. A lot of his vocabulary is still a little difficult to comprehend, but he works hard at it and is teaching us his new language.

If I haven't mentioned it yet, I absolutely love having him up here with me. If I'm being honest, I was very anxious about it at first. I was worried that I would be more stressed out with him here. It would mean less time at the hospital and more time fighting with him. As has been the case in most situations since we've been here, the opposite has come true. He is so much fun to have around. I find myself planning things for us to do, even things that will take me from the hospital a little earlier than I might normally leave. He's got the a great sense of humor and though his temper rages from time to time, he can be brought back to reality without too much stress. And now that his best friend, Daddy, is here for a couple of days, I'm sure the weekend will only be better.