(Almost) All About Canon

Carry one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

I am really trying to learn how to let others carry my burdens, and today was no different.

Day of Life: 18 - Happy Birthday, Canon!

Today is Canon's 2nd Birthday! Barry and I had laid out a fairly fool-proof plan that included a visit to Tera in the morning where we would meet some friends who wanted to see her. Then lunch before spending the rest of the afternoon with Canon at the zoo. He loves animals, and we've been talking to him about going all week long. We thought it would be a great way for the three of us to hang out together and let go of some of the stress our family has been going through. Oh, and of course, celebrate the Little Man's birthday! As you can tell from earlier posts, no plans ever work out the way they are laid out up here.

The morning went basically as we had planned, though not at the planned times. After picking up Canon from Big Mom's earlier in the morning, we arrived at the hospital about 11:00 to see Tera. When we got there, the nurse let me change her diaper and take her temperature. Tera had done very well through the night, only de-satting a couple of times. Her oxygen was at 28%, and she had lost another 40 grams. Ugh! What's the hold-up, girl? Her metabolism must be like her daddy's. Maybe they should start feeding her milkshakes just so she'll at least maintain her weight. That's what Barry's dad used to make him drink to try to pack on the poundage. It didn't work as a weight gainer, but he never got any smaller.

After changing her diaper, I spent some time with Canon in the Family Room before Barry came to relieve me because the Resident on duty was taking out Tera's PICC Line.

Though we're always worried about infections when things are taken out of her body, it's one less intrusive wire that we have to deal with. Now, if we can just get this stinking feeding tube out, she'll be ready for me to grab her and hold her whenever I want! The Resident was not too worried about her weight gain. She explained that they were going up on her feeds to 17cc, and that it should start to come up soon.

Canon had come with us to the hospital, of course, but he spent most of his time trying not to get in trouble, but still managing to. He tried to push the buttons on Tera's bed. . .

. . . and leave the room without anyone noticing.

After a couple of hours, he had definitely had enough. He was behaving ok, but we knew it was time to leave. Tera's nurse was at lunch, and I didn't feel comfortable leaving Tera there alone. There are other nurses that are supposed to be watching her when her nurse is gone, but when her monitors beeped for several minutes and no one came to check on her, I got the distinct impression that they must be extra busy. I at least wanted someone in the room who could yell for help if they somehow saw something the nurses didn't see. That's when I had to let someone else carry my burden.

I called Poppa to see when he would be arriving, and thankfully, he was already on his way. I really wanted to spend this day with Canon, but I really didn't want to leave Tera. Poppa stepped in and stayed at the hospital all afternoon long. From 1:00 until almost 6:00 he sat in the room and worked while Tera slept. Tera only de-satted a couple of times, so there wasn't any real excitement there, but he sat there nonetheless, and it eased my mind to know he was there.

After leaving the hospital, we met some friends at Jim 'N Nicks for lunch. The idea was to have a quick lunch then head to the zoo before Canon got too exhausted to function.

As I said before, no plans ever pan out. Lunch took about an hour and a half, and when we left the restaurant at 3:00, Canon was nearly brain-dead. He fell asleep within a few minutes of being back on the road.

We decided to go back to Lydia's house for a little while to let Canon (and us) rest, then we would make a plan from there. Canon was asleep when we arrived at the house, and Barry was able to carry him upstairs and lay him on the bed to sleep. About an hour later, he woke up crying, apparently confused about where he was. When I went to check on him, he was sitting up in the bed, eyes closed, and tears running down his face. We got him into mine and Barry's room (where Barry had been napping), and he quickly laid down on Barry's chest. He was back asleep in no time.

This is one of the sweetest pictures I think I have of Canon. We can count on one hand the number of times he has fallen asleep in the bed with someone. This was just too precious. I eventually got in bed, too, and we all took a nap together.

After nap time, we still had about a half hour of daylight, so we decided to go to the park in Homewood to let Canon stretch his legs. The zoo had already closed. Oh, well. We've got several weeks to make it there. We picked up Nonna from her friends and called Poppa to meet us at the park.

This is one of Canon and Barry's favorite games. Barry pushes Canon in the swing, and then stands close enough so that Canon can kick him. Of course, Barry makes a loud "Aghh" which cracks Canon up completely. We always love to hear him giggle.

I realized today how completely attached Canon and Barry have become in these last two weeks. Of course, I still can't really hold Canon, but what I noticed this weekend was how little he wanted me to. He would sometimes crawl into my lap, but for the most part, he wanted to stay with his dad.

Later that night, Canon went home with Nonna and Poppa. He is staying with them this week, and we decided to let him get an early start on his stay. I know that I am eventually going to have to get good at managing two children at one time. Right now, however, it really seems impossible. This is mostly due to the fact that one child has to stay in a hospital nursery setting, the last place on earth that the other child needs/wants to be. It will all work out eventually, but for now, I just have to overlook my sadness at not having them both together and be grateful that Barry and I both have such wonderful families that are so willing to help out. When we put him in Nonna and Poppa's car, he cried and fought against us trying to put him in his seat. You would think that this is flattering to us, but the truth is, his frustration came when he realized that he wasn't going to get to watch Toy Story in Nonna's car. He was crying because he wanted to be back in our car with a TV and DVD player. It really had nothing to do with leaving Mama and Daddy. Nonna sent this picture about 30 minutes later. I think he found something else to occupy his time.

While Canon rode to Winfield, Barry and I went back to the hospital so that I could visit Tera one more time today. I hadn't held her yet, and the nurse was very sweet to get her out so late in the night. Barry immediately fell asleep on the couch while I held Tera, and I realized that while he and Canon have been bonding at home, Tera and I have been bonding here. Barry does not harbor very strong feelings for babies, especially unusually tiny ones. Though I've asked if he wants to touch Tera or hold her, I think he is a little intimidated by her as a baby and says that it will be "awhile" before he is ready to take that step.

Of all the times I've held Tera, this one was probably the best for her physically. She breathed so well, and her oxygen fell low only twice. Typically, I watch the monitors like a hawk and move her breathing bag to and from her mouth dozens of times to try to keep the oxygenation level just right. On this night, however, I only held it to her mouth 2 or 3 times. I can't help but think this is a good sign. Instead of worrying as much during our time together, we were both just able to relax. Maybe one day, we'll take naps together, too.

Is There Anything Too Insignificant When It Comes to Your Children?

" . . . those who hope in me will not be disappointed." Isaiah 49:23

Day of Life: 17

MyGoo and I arrived at the hospital at our normal time this morning, on this time, I was actually there when the doctors made their rounds. I'm sure most nurses would probably be offended to know how much comfort I get from hearing their Tera Analysis each morning (they should be able to give me the same / better information than the doctors), but I do find that comfort in hearing it from them. It's not that I don't trust our nurses. I just like to hear it from someone in a white coat from time to time.

The Plan for Today
Tera had lost twenty-five grams since yesterday, and that worried me. She's been getting an increased amount of milk over the last several days (still at 16cc today), so it doesn't make sense to me that she would be losing weight. When I asked the docs about this today, the Attending told me not to look at her weight from one day to the next. Instead, I should look at her weight over the course of a week to see how things have improved or worsened. They did decide to double the amount of fortifier they are adding to my milk. This will double the calories she is getting. My next step, if she continues to lose weight, is to see if they will test the calories in my milk. I'm producing plenty, but if it's not naturally fortified enough, we may need to take other steps. He also said in regards to my questioning, that we should expect her to be back at her birthweight after a month. This was a bit disheartening for a couple of reasons. First, she can't take a bottle until she is a certain weight (I think 1200 grams). Second, she can't get into a crib until a certain weight (I think 1600 grams). I thought we were getting closer and closer to those goals, but now they seem to be slipping further away. The other thing decided today was to come off the bili lights once again. She's been off and on every other day for over a week now it seems. I'm hoping this time it is for good - though her weight loss is not giving me comfort.

What Actually Happened Today
Today is MyGoo's last (consecutive) day with me. Doc came to visit this morning, and they left around lunchtime to head back home. I have absolutely loved having my mom here. I honestly can't remember if we've always had this kind of relationship, but during our time together in the NICU and CCN, we could just sit in a room quietly without feeling the need to fill the silence. It's not that we never talked. I don't think any two women can be together all day for five days in a row and not share more with each other than they probably would have otherwise. Neither one of us felt the need, however, to entertain the other one. MyGoo did her Sudoku puzzles, worked on her Bible Study, or checked FaceBook, while I updated my blog, stared at Tera, or performed my motherly/cowly duties. She would pump me up to talk to the doctors and nurses when I needed a little extra push. Not to mention the fact that she didn't let me raise a finger the whole time she was here. We ate at some really great restaurants and managed to take a few extra breaks to go to the grocery store or to buy baby stuff. It definitely wasn't the best of circumstances to get to stay together for so long, but I think we made it work pretty well. She'll be back to visit as often as possible, I'm sure. I think once a week is the plan right now, but one thing we've learned is that in this place, plans are rarely carried out and, therefore, unnecessary to make at times.

Just before MyGoo and Doc left, we talked about the possibility of me moving to a bigger room and, preferably, one with a window. We had a great room in the NICU, and we were hoping to get something more like it. I felt horrible even discussing it with the nurse. It kind of felt like I was at a really nice hotel complaining about some petty and insignificant and demanding something better. I didn't really even have to ask the nurse anything. She heard us discussing it and remembered that a baby was being discharged that very morning, and her room was much better than the window-less cubicle we were currently in. She even walked us over to it and had us go in to talk to the family. Oh, the shame! They were very sweet, of course, but I couldn't help feeling like "that woman" who's never happy with anything. Oh, well. Too late now. Soon after my parents left, the room was cleaned, and I was moving all of our junk to its new location. The room really is much bigger and set up more like our old room upstairs. Plus, it's right next to the Family Room, so when Canon comes up, he has a place nearby to play.

We had friends in and out most of the day, so I ended up spending all day at the hospital, most of it by myself. I really didn't mind though. I had left my computer and nook at home because I wasn't expecting to stay so long. Having those would have made the day a little smoother, but again, we had so many friends coming and going that I don't know how much time I would have spent on them anyway.

Barry and Canon arrived at the hospital about 5:30! I was just waiting for some other fungus or disease to make its presence known before they got here, but it didn't and they are here now! I made the horrible mistake of telling the nurse that I wanted to hold Tera right as they were arriving. I was able to give them both hugs before getting Tera snuggled in. This was not a good idea. Canon is a little rambunctious anyway, but especially after being held hostage in a car for three hours. It's dangerous enough to have him in the room when Tera is in her enclosed chamber, but when she's out in the open-air and low enough to the ground for him to hit, kick, or punch, Barry and I both lost our nerves a little with that one. Secondly, Barry's parents and grandmother also arrived at the hospital about the same time as Canon. I know Big Mom loved seeing me hold Tera, but all she could see was her head most of the time she was here.

I held Tera for about an hour before we put her back in the bed. She highsat-ed for several minutes. This means that her oxygen intake is higher than it should be, which means that they can lower the amount of oxygen entering her isollette. In fact, after holding her, Teri was able to take her oxygen down to 22%. I was so excited about that, thinking that it wouldn't be long now before we're on room air. Within just a couple of minutes of Teri turning it down, Tera started desat-ing regularly so that it was back up to 26% before I left for the night.

Poppa and Big Mom took Canon back to Big Mom's house to spend the night. Nonna had an overnight church engagement with a young girls' group from their church. Taking advantage of our freedom, Barry and I decided to go out to eat and to a movie. We made it to dinner by about 8:00 and made plans to attend the 10:25 movie. I should have known that would never happen. We had to stop back by Lydia's house before we went to the movie and, while there, Barry fell asleep watching basketball. We decided a movie wasn't the best option for us tonight.

The Many Sleeping Positions of Tera
I was getting cracked up today at the different ways that Tera moved around. She was twitching and stretching and just overall moving more than normal today. I captured a few shots of her various positions throughout the day and thought I should share them with everyone.
This is how I first found her this morning.

This one was taken sometime during the middle of the day. At one point, the whole bottom half of her arm was under her body. She was so mobile today!

And here she is right before Barry and I left for the night. Barry made me move her hand so that it didn't stay stuck.

Demanding Wisdom and Knowledge

Wisdom and knowledge will be the stability of your times, And the strength of your salvation. Isaiah 33:6



Day of Life: 16



What Happened Last Night
Another uneventful night. A call in to the nurse this morning proved that Tera had remained calm and stable throughout the night. The doctors finally withdrew the last remnants of IV fluids she was receiving, so she is now only eating my milk with an added fortifier. She is also receiving the diuretic for fluid and meds to prevent sleep apnea. Her bilirubins were back up to 5.6, so to be safe, Dr. Sims ordered her back under the lights. I found out from the nurse later this morning that when this number gets too high, it can cause mental retardation. Tera's number is nowhere near that point, but no need in testing it out. I do think, though, that they are a little surprised that she is still on the lights after this much time. Tera's weight is up to 1020 grams. Only 50 more grams until she reaches her birth weight! Carol explained that once she reaches 1200 grams, we'll be able to start introducing her to the bottle. I can't wait for this. Though, as slow as she is gaining weight, it might take some time to get there.



What Actually Happened Today
As instructed, I got my picture of Tera as soon as we arrived. I can't wait until these blue pictures are gone for good!

She was breathing very well and really seemed to be doing great. MyGoo and I, on the other hand, were still a little anxious about being on this floor. We arrived at the hospital a little later than usual at 10:00. By 11:00, we still had not seen a nurse. At first, I was fine with it. Tera's monitors were not going off, and even if they were, the nurses can see them from their stations. But as time went on, it bugged me more and more. She's two weeks old, born three months too early, and you can't even walk in the room and look at her? Granted I don't have all the machines at my house, but I don't think 15 minutes went by without me checking on Canon when he was this young.

Finally, I went out to the nurse's desk to say hey. Her response was, "Oh, they didn't call to tell me you were here." I don't really care if they didn't tell you I was here. You can't just walk in and check on her without me being here? Of course, I never said any of this but just politely stated that we had been there for "awhile" and Tera was doing fine. She was in the room much more after that.

When I was behind "the curtain of Oz" this morning, the nurse showed MyGoo that Tera's umbilical cord had fallen off. I asked MyGoo to take a picture so I could see it.

Of course, it's difficult to tell with all the blue, but hopefully she will have an in-y! One thing those blue lights don't hide are the millions of wrinkles and patches of dry skin on Tera's frail little body. Check out that left leg. Maybe instead of running and push-ups, we'll make Tera do squats when she gets in troubl.

Melanie came by later that morning and took me to lunch. As always, it was good to get out for a little while. Melanie has visited us once before, but this was the first time we've really gotten to hang out in a really long time . . . like, years. It was so much fun to catch up.

When I got back, Carol told me that after Tera ate, I could hold her again. She told me that I would probably get to hold her everyday if I wanted to, as long as she was stable and would cooperate.

It's really wonderful to hold Tera, but because she is still on oxygen, it is also difficult to get completely comfortable. I constantly look at the monitors to know when to give her more oxygen and when to back off. The monitors begin beeping when it falls above or below a ten-point range, so you can imagine that they go off a lot when she is not in her regular environment. Otherwise, however, she seems completely comfortable. She always falls right to sleep as soon as she hits my skin and, besides a little twitching, doesn't move too much while there. She did get the hiccups again today.

While I held Tera, one of the doctors finally came to talk to me. It only took 30 hours or so to get him there. He was not at all worried about either the MRSA or the fluid in her lungs. I tried to explain that I wasn't too worried about it either, but that every new thing that happens to Tera is also new to me. I just need a little extra information to ease my nerves. We also talked about her PDA. The cardiologists report had finally arrived, and it showed the status of the PDA has changed from "large" to "small" and again, not to worry about it. Bob told me later that if for some strange reason it never closed completely, it would probably be two years before we had to take any other actions to fix it. Thank goodness, no baby surgery scheduled just yet!

Once Tera was put back in her bed, she quickly found a comfortable position, which I found to be pretty hilarious.

How did she get that arm under her head. Earlier today, Carol said that she was facing the sink. Carol turned around to wash her hands, and when she turned back, Tera had picked up her head and was then facing the wall. I had no idea their necks could be so strong already.

The rest of the day was fairly relaxed. We had a few visitors, then went to visit Bob and Jamie. We have been trying to meet their new baby, Caroline, since Monday, but something always keeps us from going. We were determined to go tonight. Of course, neither of us would touch her considering where we had been. Besides just the normal hospital germs, this whole MRSA thing is still a little scary to both MyGoo and myself.

What About Barry and Canon
While at lunch with Melanie today, I got a call from Sharon that Canon had to be picked up from school because he had had some really terrible diapers. He'd had one the day before, but there were multiples this morning, and they seemed to be getting worse. I asked Sharon to pick up some Pedialyte and just to let him rest. She reported in later that he was acting completely normal (he was running around when she got there, and he got so excited when he saw her), and that he had eaten well at lunch. We're thinking it's related to getting new teeth.

Later tonight, I got this video via text from Kyle.

Kyle, Mandy, and Luke had taken dinner to Barry and Canon and stayed to hang out. Things must have gotten a little messy.

They're finally coming to Birmingham tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed that there is no major outbreak of pink eye or any other fungus that will keep Barry from seeing his daughter. Canon's birthday is Saturday, so the three of us are going to take Canon to do something fun. We're thinking we'll probably go to the zoo. I can't wait!

Even Preemie Moms That Do Nothing Get Exhausted

As for you, if you prove faithful, and if you stretch out your hands toward him . . . For then you will lift up your face without blemish; you will be securely established and will not fear. For you will forget your trouble; you will remember it like water that has flowed away . . . And you will be secure, because there is hope; you will be protected and will take your rest in safety. Job 11:13, 15-16, 18

Day of Life: 15

What Happened Last Night
Tera (and her mother) had a bit of a tough night. I got the first call at 1:30 a.m. from Dianne telling me that Tera had fluid in her lunhgs. She had not been acting like herself - I think she seemed uncomfortable - so Dianne had the doctors come down and check her out. After their examination, they decided to take an x-ray of her chest. With that, they found the fluid. Dr. Sims put her on a diuretic to flush it out. The whole thought of fluid immediately made me think of pneumonia or RSV, but I wasn't clear-headed enough to ask too many questions. Dianne also said that Tera's blood count was low. This will happen fairly often because she is not able to produce enough blood to replace what is drawn for her daily labs. They let it get pretty low before doing a transfusion to help stimulate the body to begin producing more blood on its own. A blood transfusion (her third since she arrived in Birmingham) was scheduled for the morning. Dr. Sims also discussed having another echo done to determine the status of that pesky PDA. He is thinking that is causing the fluid in her lungs.

At 3:30 a.m. I got the second call from Dianne. This was just an update call to tell me what had happened so far and to tell how Tera was doing. They had increased the oxygen in her tank to 37% so that she wasn't exerting too much energy trying to breathe. Dianne also reported that if the echo shows that the PDA is still there, they will probably do another round of Ibuprofen because it is now affecting her other functions. Tera was acting much better, and Dianne felt better about it then. After about an hour of wakefulness, I was finally able to feel ok enough to fall back to sleep.

The Plan for the Day
When I woke later in the morning, my first realization was that I just didn't feel good. I knew my nerves were a little out of whack, and I assumed that that was the problem, but I couldn't be sure. I was hesitant to go to the hospital for a couple of reasons. First, I don't want to give Tera any potential germs that I have if I am, in fact, sick. Second, it just seems pointless to go up there today. I want to talk to the doctors, but they're just not around on our new floor. I could call and have one come down to talk to me, but it's just not as easy as it was in the NICU. I know that sounds horrible to say that it's pointless to go see my own daughter. Of course, I want to see her, but today the thought of being there just makes my stomach churn.

After about an hour of procrastinating, the decision was made for me. My wheezy stomach had turned into chills and body aches. There is no way I'm going this morning. Please don't let me have the flu! I called Dr. Kyle and talked to him about my symptoms. The good news was that I didn't seem to have a fever, so we ruled out the flu for the time being. Ibuprofen would get rid of my body aches, and we made a plan for what to do if things got worse.

All I wanted to do was lay down and do nothing, but there were a million things to do before that could happen. First, I had to take a call from Social Security to get additional benefits for Tera. She qualifies because of her low birth weight. Then, I was worried about my milk production. How would my illness affect Tera through my milk? What medicines am I allowed to take that won't hurt her? A call to the Lactation Nurse eased my mind about that. All of the medicines that Kyle and discussed were cleared for me to take (assuming I need them), and the fact that I'm a little sick is actually good for Tera. My milk will have the antibodies in it that Tera can use to fight against the same germs. I'm glad to know my illness is at least benefiting her!

After that, I called in to Tera's nurse, who by the way is someone I've never met before. It's hard to get lots of information from someone you don't know, but she reported that Tera was doing fine and continuing to take her feeds. I asked her to have one of the doctors call me when they finished their rounds that morning. She told me in a later conversation that she had told them to call when they finished making rounds. It's 2:00 now, and I still haven't gotten that call.

I was encouraged by the fact that Tera is acting more like herself. She's breathing well, though her oxygen is still at 37%. She has no residuals, which means she is digesting all of her feeds. After laying on the couch for a couple of hours and eating some lunch, the anxiety I had about going to the hospital this morning was long gone. I'm ready to be there. Barry spoke with some doctors at Flowers, and they explained that this is something we can expect to happen from time to time because she is getting so much more fluid now than she was when the PDA was first found. Her heart is pumping harder which increases the risk of it pumping backwards through the PDA and into her lungs. The fact that she urinated about 30cc in her diaper earlier this morning after her first diuretic is a good sign. This is the way to get that fluid out.

After lunch, my body aches went away and, besides needing a nap, I'm back to feeling fairly normal. I'm hoping this was just a bout of overwhelming nerves and exhaustion. I thought I had been doing a really good job at pacing myself. MyGoo and I have been good to get out of the hospital every two or three hours to go do other things. And I thought that my sleeping had improved. I think, however, that when a typical eight-hour night is interrupted with a 45-minute pumping session, a nap might be needed to make up for that time later. I've now taken three naps since I've been here. Barry gave me a long lecture about needing to take time away from the hospital to do things that will take my mind completely off of the hospital for just a little while. My friends know how much I love going to the movies, so maybe I'll try that soon. It just feels wrong to do fun things when Tera is lying in a hospital bed and a substitute teacher is working in my classroom. Surely I'm supposed to be more responsible. But if going to a movie is what will keep me from ever feeling like this again, I might just be able to get over it. I hated feeling like I didn't want to go visit Tera today. What a horrible, un-motherly thought to have!

About 5:30 this evening, MyGoo and I finally made it to the hospital. There we found a very peaceful and beautiful baby. I felt ridiculous for ever having been so worried.

The "glove" on her hand is where they had to put in a port for the blood transfusion. She's had this before in the NICU. They usually don't last more than a few days.

Our nurse, Carol, told us that her weight is now at 1013 grams, just under 2 pounds 4 ounces. Her feeds were increased to 16cc, a full meal for her. Once she can tolerate two of these feedings with few residuals, they'll take her completely off her IV fluids. She tolerated the first one well, but the second one left 2-3cc of residual. They'll try at least one more before taking her off the IV fluids completely. An echocardiogram was done today, and though Carol had not seen the official cardiologist's report, the tech who did the scan said that she thinks the PDA is closed. Tera will continue to get a diuretic every 12 hours until the doctors feel that the fluid issue is gone. I still haven't talked to a doctor despite a second request when I got to the hospital. Oh, well. I feel much better about things now, but I do want them to know that I am keeping a close watch. I also have a few questions about this whole fluid issue and the PDA.

MyGoo and I only stayed a couple of hours. I refused to touch Tera for fear that I might have some germs that would infect her, so I mostly just watched her. Before we left, she was covering her ears with her new glove. I think she's as irritated by the beeping machines as we are.

Another smooth ending to a rocky beginning. I hope this isn't a metaphor for the rest of her life. When we get home, she's got some new rules to learn. Mama doesn't do stress!

What About Barry and Canon

This week is going more smoothly than last week, I think. Barry has fewer before- and after-work commitments, so he has been able to spend more time with Canon at home. When I called tonight, they were playing with Canon's trains. MyGoo bought Canon a new train, Bill, when he was in Birmingham that first weekend with Tera. He behaved so well that it was hard not to reward him. Barry was finally able to install some batteries and get Bill working. Canon sounded pretty excited in the background. They called me later for some Face Time before bed. Canon is talking so much more these days, but sadly, Barry and I still don't understand a lot of what he is saying. Tonight, he would say something, and I would try to repeat it. He would then say "No" and try to say it again. Poor kid. It's not his fault his parents are terrible communicators.

Barry will get a much-needed break next week when Canon goes to stay with Nonna and Poppa in Winfield. He will go from Single Dad to Bachelor. The beloved NCAA tournament starts next week, so I'm sure he'll find a way to occupy all of his free time. Don't feel too sorry for him!

The Scary Yellow Bag

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. Psalm 139:14

A friend from Winfield sent this scripture to us today.

Day of Life: 14

What Happened Last Night
Tera recovered easily from her stomach issues last night. Early this morning, Dianne was told to increase her feeds back up to 10cc. She had not had a bowel movement all night (I know this is gross to talk about, but this is our issue right now . . . making sure the girl can poop on her own). She gained 18 grams last night and is up to 1017, which roughly converts to 2 pounds 4 ounces. She's almost back to her birth weight of 2 pounds 5 ounces! Her bilirubines are down to 3.2, so we are waiting on the doctors to round to decide whether or not to take her off the lights.

The Plan for the Day
Here is our sweet baby first thing this morning. Still blue because she misses her daddy and big brother at home. As do I.

We were actually in the room when the doctors came to round this morning. This is the first time we have seen them since coming to the CCN because they do not round on a regular basis down here. The only real plans for the day are to take her off the bilirubin lights and increase her TFI (Total Fluid Intake - since her feeds are increasing). Simple enough.

What Actually Happened Today
When we arrived in Tera's room this morning, her new nurse Lindsey came around with the Scary Yellow Bag.

We have seen these bags outside of other babies rooms, and we didn't know exactly what they were about. All we knew is that if you have a yellow bag, it means your nurse must cover up in gloves and a big yellow coverall to protect herself and the other babies from whatever you have. We figured out what the "whatever you have" is called. Tera tested positive for MRSA. This is a bacteria that is resistant to most antibiotics that treat staph infections. Right now, Tera is just "colonized" or carrying the bacteria. If it were to get in her bloodstream, she would become infected with it. Colonization is ok. Apparently, most people have MRSA but never know it. Infection, however, would be terrible. So, the nurses will be watching her behavior a bit more closely to make sure that she doesn't show signs of fever or any other symptoms of infection.

I hate that word "infection." It's what we're constantly fighting against but never know if we're winning the fight because we can't see the infection until it's made its move. Invisible enemies are so obnoxious!

Lindsey took her off the lights almost immediately, and we were able to see her beautiful skin again. I love this picture of her. It's probably odd, but the more things she does that remind me of a real baby, the more comforted I am that everything is, and will continue to be ok.


For example, here is a video of Tera moving around. She had been really squirmy all morning, and I tried to catch it on video.

The rest of Tera's day was very relaxed. She slept most of the time and actually seemed a little irritated when I tried to touch her or hold her hand. So, I tried to back off, but it was so hard. I just want to scoop her up and squeeze her!

Just after lunch, my friend Anna picked me up to take me to tour her children's daycare. When Tera was born so unexpectedly, Anna realized that there was an opening in the two-year-old classroom at Our Lady of Sorrows in Homewood. After some investigating, she found out that the boy who previously held that spot had recently moved, and though the school tried to find another child to fill the spot immediately, no one was able to come. There is a boy coming in July, but until then, the class has an open spot. This is one of those obvious God Things I've written about before. I called last week to talk to the Director at the Daycare, and she was so wonderful to offer us the spot for whenever we want it. If we need to bring Canon one day but not bring him the next, no problem. Whatever we need, they are willing to provide that service to us. We don't even have to pay for a whole month or even a week. We will only pay for those days that Canon actually comes to school. Her exact words were, "Your blessing is our blessing." In other words, it was a blessing that we were allowing them to do this for us. Of course, I feel the blessing is all on this end of the relationship.

The school is amazing. There are multiple playrooms and constant activities to keep the children busy and entertained. I know that Canon is going to love it. I hope it works out that he can stay in Birmingham with me for at least a couple of weeks, maybe more. I would love to do that for Barry, but I also just want him here. I miss our morning and night-time routines, and I am so excited to possibly take him to some fun places while he is here with me. There is the Birmingham Zoo, the McWane Center, the Botanical Gardens. Just so much that I know he would love.

What About Barry and Canon
Tonight, Barry and Canon hung out with Ed and, I'm guessing, watched basketball. We are quickly approaching Barry's favorite time of year . . . March Madness. The NCAA tournament actually starts next week, but this is the week for all the Conference tournaments. It is Barry's favorite time of the whole month. He loves to see underdogs fighting their guts out for a chance to go to the NCAA tournament. Canon was actually born in the midst of one of these conference tournament games two years ago. The game went into six overtimes, which gave Barry just enough time to stay conscious during Canon's delivery. He stayed focused on the game instead of the sounds coming from a few feet away and thus, was able to stick it out with me during the birth of our first child. What a hero!

I also managed to squeeze out of Barry that they ate Chick-fil-A and that Canon cried for about 8 seconds before falling asleep when Barry put him to bed. Man, that guy is just loaded with good information about how my family is doing. Maybe tomorrow I'll find out what he wore to school.

The Rollercoaster at the Kiddie Park

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

(Big) Tera's mother sent me this scripture in an email today, and it perfectly explains all aspects of our day.

Day of Life: 13

What Happened Last Night

After her big move to the CCN (which stands for Continuing Care Nursery), Tera had a very uneventful evening. She lost 11 grams and has now dropped just below 1000 to 999 grams. The doctors did decide to increase her feeds to 10cc. I thought that they would increase her feedings at a slower rate, but they must think she can handle it. Her bili numbers were up to just under 6, which is the low-end of her risk zone. We're thinking she'll probably be under the lights by the end of the day.

She gets more precious everyday.

What Actually Happened Today

Our morning was very uneventful. The biggest part of the morning was trying to find my necklace. The day before, I had taken it off in Tera's old room so that I could hold her. I remember taking it off, but I couldn't remember where I put it. Because we weren't there when the decision was made to move Tera, Stacey had packed up our room all by herself, so I didn't know where she might have put it. When we got to the CCN this morning, I couldn't find it in our room anywhere, so I went up to the NICU and was allowed to look in the old room. One nurse even searched through the Charge Nurse's office to find it. She went so far as to call Stacey to see if she remembered where she put it. I returned to the CCN almost in tears.

The necklace was given to me by my sister a few days ago. It has a "T" charm on it so that I can "carry Tera around with me even when I leave her." Because I can't wear any jewelry on my hands or fingers when I scrub in each morning, I have also put my wedding rings on the chain. Ann Steiner has promised to get me a "C" charm so that I can have the whole family right there together. I was devastated that I had lost it. When I got back to the room, I decided to look again in a bag that I bring everyday to carry in my milk. I had opened it to put the milk in at the house and again to take the milk out at the hospital, and I had not seen the necklace. But now when I opened it, there's the necklace. I felt like such a fool, but I was also just so excited to have my family back.

The rest of the morning was much more boring. Since nothing was going on, MyGoo and I decided to run some errands when we went out to lunch. Our friends, Bob and Jamie, had their second child this morning. She came about 7:30 a.m., weighing a monstrous 6 lbs. 12 ounces. Tera's already smaller than most people younger than she is. Welcome to my world, baby! After lunch, we ran to Buy Buy Baby (ok, we spent 45 minutes in there - there's no quick trip to Buy Buy Baby) to buy Eleanor and her new baby sister, Caroline, a present.

When we returned to the hospital, things were much the same. Tera did end up going back under the bilirubin lights.

I know this picture is not the greatest, but it shows my hand cuddling her head and holding her hand. This is something that Stacey always did for her, and she really seemed to like it.

MyGoo and I spent the next three hours swapping between the couch/recliner and looking at Tera. It was another very boring and eventless afternoon. Don't get me wrong. I'm ok with boring right now. It means nothing bad is happening. Tera desat-ed several times throughout the afternoon, but she was able to recover on her own. I've become so accustomed to the sounds of those machines that I typically barely notice when the dings start. Once her numbers get low enough, however, the dings turn to louder dings. The louder dings happened much more often today than normal. But again, the afternoon was overly uneventful, and I just kept thinking, "be still." Part of this experience is just to be still.

About 5:15, MyGoo and I began making plans to go visit Bob and Jamie before going to dinner with Sam and Alicia. We were about five minutes from leaving when Amy came in to check how Tera was handling her feedings. She'd only had two rounds of her new 10cc dosage. Amy found 3cc of residuals and it had a strange look about it. When she measured her belly (I think this is called checking her girth), she found that it was 1.5 cm larger than it had been at the previous measure. Also, Tera has not had a bowel movement today. She's had traces of them in her diapers, but nothing significant. Amy decided to stimulate that particular part of her body to get her to go. MyGoo was fortunate enough to watch the whole thing. When Amy rubbed the swab around her bottom, poop literally squirted out (yucky!). I hate I missed that joyful experience. Sometimes nursing has its perks! Apparently, Amy was not impressed with how those excretions looked, so she did a test on them and found that there was a little bit of blood in her stool. She wasn't too worried about it yet, but she called a doctor to come check her to make sure.

The doctor arrived minutes later and examined Tera's stomach. She said that it was soft (good thing) and that everything seemed to be ok. To be sure, she decided to withhold her next feeding and instead increase her fluids a bit. At her next feeding, she would return to her previous meal of 8cc. Then we would see how she was doing. The oxygen level in her isolette had also been steadily increasing throughout the day. It started at 26% and by this time was at 33%. Amy said that she would keep it there for awhile. If Tera wasn't feeling well, she didn't need the extra stress of having to work harder than necessary to breathe. She also said that we shouldn't bother her. The plan was to turn down the lights and just let her relax for the next three hours to see if things would perk up. I was a little nervous about it all, but I knew there was nothing we could do there. And I was worried that the beeping machines I had so easily ignored earlier in the day would now send me over the edge. We decided to follow through with our dinner plans with Sam and Alicia.

"Know that I am there." We have lived out the full scripture now.

I called in to Dianne (the night nurse) after dinner to see how things had progressed. Her stomach was back down to its previous size and was still soft. She had just taken her first 8cc feeding since the original scare. Dianne's thought was that her increased girth could possibly have had to do with the fact that she was trying to have a bowel movement at the time of measuring, and her stomach had swelled up under the strain. The slightly bloody stool could possibly have been due to a blood vessel popping after she was stimulated to poop. And the need for increased oxygen might have been because someone left one of the doors to her bed open. WHAT? Tera's bed is pushed up against the wall so that you can only access one side of it. When the bili lights were put on earlier today, the bed was pulled away from the wall to get the lights on that side. I guess someone either opened it and forgot to close it or it just accidentally popped open when the lights banged up against it. Either way, I was a little ticked that the opened door went unnoticed all day long. Dianne did not seem to mind, however, so I tried to get over it.

I've been thinking all day about how different the CCN is than the NICU. The nurses are just as nice and just as smart and competent, but the whole atmosphere down here is different. At the NICU, there was a nurse in and out of our room every five or ten minutes. They would just look at her to make sure she was breathing ok, even though the monitors told them that she was. They would write in her chart, make the tiniest changes in her position, anything to make her a little bit better than she was five minutes ago. It wasn't intrusive or frustrating. It was comforting. I think MyGoo and I sat in the room for 45 minutes one time today with no sight of anyone. Again, it's not that they are not as good at their jobs. It's just a different way of doing things down here. The babies are more "stable" so maybe they don't need as much constant attention. Last night, when we met Dianne, she said that she had worked in the NICU for fifteen years before she got "too old" and moved down to the CCN. I thought that was a pretty good way to sum up this floor. Things just move slower.

So, you can imagine why I was a little peaved when I learned that her door had been left open. Susan or Stacey or Shannon or Sandra or Helen or Beaonica would never have let that happen. I know people make mistakes, and I think now I'm going to have to make fewer of them than usual. You can rest assured my eyes will be constantly checking that portal door. This is kind of like having a full-term baby. At first, everybody else does everything for you. Then finally, you're thrown into the pit to fend for yourself. I'm not completely fending for myself here, but I'm definitely going to start taking more responsibility.

Another rollercoaster evening. Thankfully, it is one of only a couple since we got here, and it really turned out to be not as big of a deal as we thought. Just like the rides at the Kiddie Park. When you're a kid, these rides can be very intimidating at first. When you finally take a ride and make it through, however, you feel more sure of yourself. You're better prepared to handle the next ride at the park.

What About Barry and Canon

My guys continue to do well, I think. I talked to Sharon this morning, and she sent me these pictures of Canon. They were taken at her house last week.

Poor cat! New rule: Canon is never allowed to hold Tera.

When Barry and I got to talk at the end of the day, it was just after Tera's stomach scare. All I could talk about was that, so I honestly don't even know what they did today. I was able to talk to Canon for a little bit before he went to bed. He pretty much just says "Hey, Mama" "La Loo, Mama" and "Bye, Bye, Mama," and even that's only after Barry says it first. But it's still nice to hear.

Big Changes

When I am afraid, I trust in you. Psalm 56:3

Day of Life: 12 - The Big Move

I left Tera at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, and though I called in a few times to check in, I was still eager to see her when I woke up this morning. I haven't spent this much time away from her since I arrived last weekend. Instead of going to the hospital, however, we decided to go to church with Lydia. We took Canon with us and dropped him off at the nursery. I felt like I was abandoning him once again. He was fine. He didn't cry or run after us or anything. But I was a wreck on the inside - I think I hid it pretty well from everyone around though. I've put him to bed the last two nights, and both nights he cried out in hysterics, like he was afraid I wasn't coming back. During the day, he has wanted nothing to do with me, but night time is a different story. This whole separation thing is really taking its toll. But, like I said, he was fine and I eventually got over it.

After church, we went back to Lydia's for a quick lunch before heading to the hospital. Barry still insists on not going because of his pink eye, so he and Canon stayed behind to nap.

When Lydia and I got to the hospital, Tera was doing so well that Stacey asked if I wanted to hold her again. Of course! With fewer tubes and wires to deal with, it was easier to get her situated. Unfortunately, the shirt I wore today had a high neck, so photo ops were not quite as easy. I did manage to get this view of her. It's pretty much what she looks like from my perspective.

I know it looks like you can see more than you want to, but you really can't. It's just the shadows playing tricks!

When we put her back in her bed, I was amazed at how alert she was. She kept her eyes open for a long time, just looking around and wondering what all the blurry blobs were floating around her. I changed her diaper, and she didn't launch into her usual fussiness over it.

I'm so excited that I'm getting to half-way dress her up. Stacey let me put a hat on her. This one was given to us at Flowers Hospital by a group that knits for preemies. After visiting a little longer with our Rock Star, we headed back to Lydia's so that I could spend some time with the male half of our family before they returned to Dothan.

This weekend has really made me miss being at home with them. Of course, I have missed them both terribly all week, but being here with Tera has just felt right. I don't know if it's because she is doing so well or if it's the fact that Canon has behaved so differently this weekend, but I'm already beginning to feel the need for a quick recovery so that we can all be together. It still feels good to be taken care of at UAB, but it also feels right to go home. How do you solve that one?

After Barry and Canon left, I took a much-needed nap while waiting on MyGoo to arrive back in town. When I woke up, I had a couple of messages, but I didn't check them immediately because I was ready to get back to the hospital. When we arrived there, I pushed the intercom button to enter the NICU and told them I was there to see Baby Moss.

"She's not here," said the voice. "She's been moved to CCN downstairs."

WHAT? Apparently, I should have checked my messages. Stacey had called to alert me that this would be happening. In fact, after a little checking, we learned that Tera was still actually in her NICU room, waiting to be transported to the CCN. We were able to go in and walk down with her.

Before anyone gets too nervous, CCN is a good thing. It stands for something like Continuing Care Nursery or Children's Care Nursery. I'll check on that and get back to you. They call it the "step down," but that sounds negative to me. The criteria for being here are no ventilator (which also means no CPAP) and handling her trophic feeds (milk) well. Tera has been doing both of these for a couple of days now. In fact, she is back to weighing over 1000 grams, 1010 to be exact (about 2 lbs. 3 ounces). She's gained 30 grams since yesterday! Her doctors have been on the fence about how soon to move her to CCN. Not sure which Attending finally picked a side, but the decision was made and now we're moving. Until today, I was terrified of her moving anywhere away from the nurses and facilities we have become so familiar with. I was actually hoping that one of them would come home with us whenever we are discharged! In fact, my stomach jumped into my throat when they told me over the intercom that she was being moved. Change is always hard. But after the weekend with Canon and Barry, and after feeling the need to get our tiny family back together quickly, I feel so good about her "stepping down." God is truly making things happen in the perfect order. Any other day, I don't think I would have been able to handle this.

When we arrived in Tera's room, there were a few changes. This is her new bed, ready to be wheeled downstairs.

This is Stacey, one of our favorite nurses. One of our other favorite nurses, Susan, gave Tera a wonderful parting gift - monogrammed baby blankets!

Above, we are getting on the elevator, and here we are going down the hall of the CCN.

And finally into Tera's new room.

I'd say Tera looks happy with everything. Her nurse tonight, Dianne, wanted to see how well Tera could handle being on her back, so she propped her up on a neck pillow to keep her airways open. After awhile, Tera "told" her that she wasn't really enjoying it (her oxygen kept getting too high), so she was flipped back on her belly, her very favorite place to be.

I'm amazed at how comfortable I am getting with taking care of Tera. I changed her hat, repositioned her legs, and found a frog to put under her legs. (That's the bean bag thingy I mentioned in an earlier post. A friend who also gave birth to a preemie educated me on that terminology recently). I know those are small things for a mother to do. But three days ago, I wouldn't even touch her without getting permission. Now, I'm searching through her drawers finding exactly what she needs with no hesitation.

MyGoo and I stayed at the hospital long enough for me to be completely comfortable with our new surroundings before heading back home. What a day! All the things I've been afraid of for so many days now have finally come to a head, and it's already hard to imagine things being any different.

Baby Breaths

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord! Psalm 150:6

This verse was screaming at me this morning as I sat down to write.

Day of Life: 11

What Happened Last Night

Tera got a new bed! I think that's about the most exciting new event of the evening. She did very well off the CPAP, only desat-ing one time but able to bring herself back.

When I got in this morning, this is what I found.

An unnecessary CPAP and ventilator machine. Praise God!

Oh, and I also found this:

Do you notice how the tubes just keep going away. From what I can tell, she's got a feeding tube in her mouth, a TC line connected to her back (that's what's coming out of her diaper), a line that keeps up with her heart rate that is attached to her foot, and a PICC Line in her arm. Oh, and don't forget the cool shades. She looks so much more comfortable now. And, my prayers have been answered. The pig nose didn't stick!

Here is a video of her breathing on her own.

The Plan for Today

It's hard to make a plan for watching, but I think that's what we'll be doing today. Tera has gained 10 grams since last night, bringing her up to a whopping 980 grams. The docs increased her feeds to 5cc. Because they have withheld her feeds twice now, I am always so excited with any milk she gets. I thought it was helping to fatten her up. Bob disappointed me yesterday when he told me how little the milk was really effecting her weight. Of course, its great for her health and development, but she won't be the chubby baby I'm hoping for anytime soon.

The nurse's physical exam showed an improved heart murmur. You can't always tell by the murmur if the PDA is there, but it's a good indication that it is. An echo will tell us for sure later. The decision to hold off on another round of Ibuprofen is standing because of how well she is doing otherwise.

What Actually Happened Today

I arrived at the hospital around 8:15. Lydia dropped me off on her way to work. Nonna is staying with Canon all day because Barry still does not want to take the chance of being around us. This is the first time I have been here alone, and I'm enjoying it. Things are very calm today as far as Tera is concerned, so I have time to watch her and write about her. My sister came in about 10:00 with her two girls. I was so disappointed to learn that the girls were not allowed to go in Tera's room. Of course, I understand, but it was so disheartening that they drove this far and couldn't see her. Ann Steiner was still able to come back and look at her again. She met her for the first time right before she was air-lifted to UAB on Tuesday night. We took the girls to McAlister's where we met up with my friend, Jenny, and her family. I haven't seen Jenny in over a year, and it was so sweet of her to drive all this way to visit.

Then, we went to Lydia's so the girls could play with Canon.

Then it was back to the hospital for me to sit some more and watch. I know people say that you could go stir crazy - and I probably will at some point - but it really just doesn't bother me to sit here with her. How do you get tired of this?