Even Preemie Moms That Do Nothing Get Exhausted

As for you, if you prove faithful, and if you stretch out your hands toward him . . . For then you will lift up your face without blemish; you will be securely established and will not fear. For you will forget your trouble; you will remember it like water that has flowed away . . . And you will be secure, because there is hope; you will be protected and will take your rest in safety. Job 11:13, 15-16, 18

Day of Life: 15

What Happened Last Night
Tera (and her mother) had a bit of a tough night. I got the first call at 1:30 a.m. from Dianne telling me that Tera had fluid in her lunhgs. She had not been acting like herself - I think she seemed uncomfortable - so Dianne had the doctors come down and check her out. After their examination, they decided to take an x-ray of her chest. With that, they found the fluid. Dr. Sims put her on a diuretic to flush it out. The whole thought of fluid immediately made me think of pneumonia or RSV, but I wasn't clear-headed enough to ask too many questions. Dianne also said that Tera's blood count was low. This will happen fairly often because she is not able to produce enough blood to replace what is drawn for her daily labs. They let it get pretty low before doing a transfusion to help stimulate the body to begin producing more blood on its own. A blood transfusion (her third since she arrived in Birmingham) was scheduled for the morning. Dr. Sims also discussed having another echo done to determine the status of that pesky PDA. He is thinking that is causing the fluid in her lungs.

At 3:30 a.m. I got the second call from Dianne. This was just an update call to tell me what had happened so far and to tell how Tera was doing. They had increased the oxygen in her tank to 37% so that she wasn't exerting too much energy trying to breathe. Dianne also reported that if the echo shows that the PDA is still there, they will probably do another round of Ibuprofen because it is now affecting her other functions. Tera was acting much better, and Dianne felt better about it then. After about an hour of wakefulness, I was finally able to feel ok enough to fall back to sleep.

The Plan for the Day
When I woke later in the morning, my first realization was that I just didn't feel good. I knew my nerves were a little out of whack, and I assumed that that was the problem, but I couldn't be sure. I was hesitant to go to the hospital for a couple of reasons. First, I don't want to give Tera any potential germs that I have if I am, in fact, sick. Second, it just seems pointless to go up there today. I want to talk to the doctors, but they're just not around on our new floor. I could call and have one come down to talk to me, but it's just not as easy as it was in the NICU. I know that sounds horrible to say that it's pointless to go see my own daughter. Of course, I want to see her, but today the thought of being there just makes my stomach churn.

After about an hour of procrastinating, the decision was made for me. My wheezy stomach had turned into chills and body aches. There is no way I'm going this morning. Please don't let me have the flu! I called Dr. Kyle and talked to him about my symptoms. The good news was that I didn't seem to have a fever, so we ruled out the flu for the time being. Ibuprofen would get rid of my body aches, and we made a plan for what to do if things got worse.

All I wanted to do was lay down and do nothing, but there were a million things to do before that could happen. First, I had to take a call from Social Security to get additional benefits for Tera. She qualifies because of her low birth weight. Then, I was worried about my milk production. How would my illness affect Tera through my milk? What medicines am I allowed to take that won't hurt her? A call to the Lactation Nurse eased my mind about that. All of the medicines that Kyle and discussed were cleared for me to take (assuming I need them), and the fact that I'm a little sick is actually good for Tera. My milk will have the antibodies in it that Tera can use to fight against the same germs. I'm glad to know my illness is at least benefiting her!

After that, I called in to Tera's nurse, who by the way is someone I've never met before. It's hard to get lots of information from someone you don't know, but she reported that Tera was doing fine and continuing to take her feeds. I asked her to have one of the doctors call me when they finished their rounds that morning. She told me in a later conversation that she had told them to call when they finished making rounds. It's 2:00 now, and I still haven't gotten that call.

I was encouraged by the fact that Tera is acting more like herself. She's breathing well, though her oxygen is still at 37%. She has no residuals, which means she is digesting all of her feeds. After laying on the couch for a couple of hours and eating some lunch, the anxiety I had about going to the hospital this morning was long gone. I'm ready to be there. Barry spoke with some doctors at Flowers, and they explained that this is something we can expect to happen from time to time because she is getting so much more fluid now than she was when the PDA was first found. Her heart is pumping harder which increases the risk of it pumping backwards through the PDA and into her lungs. The fact that she urinated about 30cc in her diaper earlier this morning after her first diuretic is a good sign. This is the way to get that fluid out.

After lunch, my body aches went away and, besides needing a nap, I'm back to feeling fairly normal. I'm hoping this was just a bout of overwhelming nerves and exhaustion. I thought I had been doing a really good job at pacing myself. MyGoo and I have been good to get out of the hospital every two or three hours to go do other things. And I thought that my sleeping had improved. I think, however, that when a typical eight-hour night is interrupted with a 45-minute pumping session, a nap might be needed to make up for that time later. I've now taken three naps since I've been here. Barry gave me a long lecture about needing to take time away from the hospital to do things that will take my mind completely off of the hospital for just a little while. My friends know how much I love going to the movies, so maybe I'll try that soon. It just feels wrong to do fun things when Tera is lying in a hospital bed and a substitute teacher is working in my classroom. Surely I'm supposed to be more responsible. But if going to a movie is what will keep me from ever feeling like this again, I might just be able to get over it. I hated feeling like I didn't want to go visit Tera today. What a horrible, un-motherly thought to have!

About 5:30 this evening, MyGoo and I finally made it to the hospital. There we found a very peaceful and beautiful baby. I felt ridiculous for ever having been so worried.

The "glove" on her hand is where they had to put in a port for the blood transfusion. She's had this before in the NICU. They usually don't last more than a few days.

Our nurse, Carol, told us that her weight is now at 1013 grams, just under 2 pounds 4 ounces. Her feeds were increased to 16cc, a full meal for her. Once she can tolerate two of these feedings with few residuals, they'll take her completely off her IV fluids. She tolerated the first one well, but the second one left 2-3cc of residual. They'll try at least one more before taking her off the IV fluids completely. An echocardiogram was done today, and though Carol had not seen the official cardiologist's report, the tech who did the scan said that she thinks the PDA is closed. Tera will continue to get a diuretic every 12 hours until the doctors feel that the fluid issue is gone. I still haven't talked to a doctor despite a second request when I got to the hospital. Oh, well. I feel much better about things now, but I do want them to know that I am keeping a close watch. I also have a few questions about this whole fluid issue and the PDA.

MyGoo and I only stayed a couple of hours. I refused to touch Tera for fear that I might have some germs that would infect her, so I mostly just watched her. Before we left, she was covering her ears with her new glove. I think she's as irritated by the beeping machines as we are.

Another smooth ending to a rocky beginning. I hope this isn't a metaphor for the rest of her life. When we get home, she's got some new rules to learn. Mama doesn't do stress!

What About Barry and Canon

This week is going more smoothly than last week, I think. Barry has fewer before- and after-work commitments, so he has been able to spend more time with Canon at home. When I called tonight, they were playing with Canon's trains. MyGoo bought Canon a new train, Bill, when he was in Birmingham that first weekend with Tera. He behaved so well that it was hard not to reward him. Barry was finally able to install some batteries and get Bill working. Canon sounded pretty excited in the background. They called me later for some Face Time before bed. Canon is talking so much more these days, but sadly, Barry and I still don't understand a lot of what he is saying. Tonight, he would say something, and I would try to repeat it. He would then say "No" and try to say it again. Poor kid. It's not his fault his parents are terrible communicators.

Barry will get a much-needed break next week when Canon goes to stay with Nonna and Poppa in Winfield. He will go from Single Dad to Bachelor. The beloved NCAA tournament starts next week, so I'm sure he'll find a way to occupy all of his free time. Don't feel too sorry for him!