Big Changes

When I am afraid, I trust in you. Psalm 56:3

Day of Life: 12 - The Big Move

I left Tera at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, and though I called in a few times to check in, I was still eager to see her when I woke up this morning. I haven't spent this much time away from her since I arrived last weekend. Instead of going to the hospital, however, we decided to go to church with Lydia. We took Canon with us and dropped him off at the nursery. I felt like I was abandoning him once again. He was fine. He didn't cry or run after us or anything. But I was a wreck on the inside - I think I hid it pretty well from everyone around though. I've put him to bed the last two nights, and both nights he cried out in hysterics, like he was afraid I wasn't coming back. During the day, he has wanted nothing to do with me, but night time is a different story. This whole separation thing is really taking its toll. But, like I said, he was fine and I eventually got over it.

After church, we went back to Lydia's for a quick lunch before heading to the hospital. Barry still insists on not going because of his pink eye, so he and Canon stayed behind to nap.

When Lydia and I got to the hospital, Tera was doing so well that Stacey asked if I wanted to hold her again. Of course! With fewer tubes and wires to deal with, it was easier to get her situated. Unfortunately, the shirt I wore today had a high neck, so photo ops were not quite as easy. I did manage to get this view of her. It's pretty much what she looks like from my perspective.

I know it looks like you can see more than you want to, but you really can't. It's just the shadows playing tricks!

When we put her back in her bed, I was amazed at how alert she was. She kept her eyes open for a long time, just looking around and wondering what all the blurry blobs were floating around her. I changed her diaper, and she didn't launch into her usual fussiness over it.

I'm so excited that I'm getting to half-way dress her up. Stacey let me put a hat on her. This one was given to us at Flowers Hospital by a group that knits for preemies. After visiting a little longer with our Rock Star, we headed back to Lydia's so that I could spend some time with the male half of our family before they returned to Dothan.

This weekend has really made me miss being at home with them. Of course, I have missed them both terribly all week, but being here with Tera has just felt right. I don't know if it's because she is doing so well or if it's the fact that Canon has behaved so differently this weekend, but I'm already beginning to feel the need for a quick recovery so that we can all be together. It still feels good to be taken care of at UAB, but it also feels right to go home. How do you solve that one?

After Barry and Canon left, I took a much-needed nap while waiting on MyGoo to arrive back in town. When I woke up, I had a couple of messages, but I didn't check them immediately because I was ready to get back to the hospital. When we arrived there, I pushed the intercom button to enter the NICU and told them I was there to see Baby Moss.

"She's not here," said the voice. "She's been moved to CCN downstairs."

WHAT? Apparently, I should have checked my messages. Stacey had called to alert me that this would be happening. In fact, after a little checking, we learned that Tera was still actually in her NICU room, waiting to be transported to the CCN. We were able to go in and walk down with her.

Before anyone gets too nervous, CCN is a good thing. It stands for something like Continuing Care Nursery or Children's Care Nursery. I'll check on that and get back to you. They call it the "step down," but that sounds negative to me. The criteria for being here are no ventilator (which also means no CPAP) and handling her trophic feeds (milk) well. Tera has been doing both of these for a couple of days now. In fact, she is back to weighing over 1000 grams, 1010 to be exact (about 2 lbs. 3 ounces). She's gained 30 grams since yesterday! Her doctors have been on the fence about how soon to move her to CCN. Not sure which Attending finally picked a side, but the decision was made and now we're moving. Until today, I was terrified of her moving anywhere away from the nurses and facilities we have become so familiar with. I was actually hoping that one of them would come home with us whenever we are discharged! In fact, my stomach jumped into my throat when they told me over the intercom that she was being moved. Change is always hard. But after the weekend with Canon and Barry, and after feeling the need to get our tiny family back together quickly, I feel so good about her "stepping down." God is truly making things happen in the perfect order. Any other day, I don't think I would have been able to handle this.

When we arrived in Tera's room, there were a few changes. This is her new bed, ready to be wheeled downstairs.

This is Stacey, one of our favorite nurses. One of our other favorite nurses, Susan, gave Tera a wonderful parting gift - monogrammed baby blankets!

Above, we are getting on the elevator, and here we are going down the hall of the CCN.

And finally into Tera's new room.

I'd say Tera looks happy with everything. Her nurse tonight, Dianne, wanted to see how well Tera could handle being on her back, so she propped her up on a neck pillow to keep her airways open. After awhile, Tera "told" her that she wasn't really enjoying it (her oxygen kept getting too high), so she was flipped back on her belly, her very favorite place to be.

I'm amazed at how comfortable I am getting with taking care of Tera. I changed her hat, repositioned her legs, and found a frog to put under her legs. (That's the bean bag thingy I mentioned in an earlier post. A friend who also gave birth to a preemie educated me on that terminology recently). I know those are small things for a mother to do. But three days ago, I wouldn't even touch her without getting permission. Now, I'm searching through her drawers finding exactly what she needs with no hesitation.

MyGoo and I stayed at the hospital long enough for me to be completely comfortable with our new surroundings before heading back home. What a day! All the things I've been afraid of for so many days now have finally come to a head, and it's already hard to imagine things being any different.