I am really trying to learn how to let others carry my burdens, and today was no different.
Day of Life: 18 - Happy Birthday, Canon!
Today is Canon's 2nd Birthday! Barry and I had laid out a fairly fool-proof plan that included a visit to Tera in the morning where we would meet some friends who wanted to see her. Then lunch before spending the rest of the afternoon with Canon at the zoo. He loves animals, and we've been talking to him about going all week long. We thought it would be a great way for the three of us to hang out together and let go of some of the stress our family has been going through. Oh, and of course, celebrate the Little Man's birthday! As you can tell from earlier posts, no plans ever work out the way they are laid out up here.
The morning went basically as we had planned, though not at the planned times. After picking up Canon from Big Mom's earlier in the morning, we arrived at the hospital about 11:00 to see Tera. When we got there, the nurse let me change her diaper and take her temperature. Tera had done very well through the night, only de-satting a couple of times. Her oxygen was at 28%, and she had lost another 40 grams. Ugh! What's the hold-up, girl? Her metabolism must be like her daddy's. Maybe they should start feeding her milkshakes just so she'll at least maintain her weight. That's what Barry's dad used to make him drink to try to pack on the poundage. It didn't work as a weight gainer, but he never got any smaller.
After changing her diaper, I spent some time with Canon in the Family Room before Barry came to relieve me because the Resident on duty was taking out Tera's PICC Line.
Though we're always worried about infections when things are taken out of her body, it's one less intrusive wire that we have to deal with. Now, if we can just get this stinking feeding tube out, she'll be ready for me to grab her and hold her whenever I want! The Resident was not too worried about her weight gain. She explained that they were going up on her feeds to 17cc, and that it should start to come up soon.
Canon had come with us to the hospital, of course, but he spent most of his time trying not to get in trouble, but still managing to. He tried to push the buttons on Tera's bed. . .
. . . and leave the room without anyone noticing.
After a couple of hours, he had definitely had enough. He was behaving ok, but we knew it was time to leave. Tera's nurse was at lunch, and I didn't feel comfortable leaving Tera there alone. There are other nurses that are supposed to be watching her when her nurse is gone, but when her monitors beeped for several minutes and no one came to check on her, I got the distinct impression that they must be extra busy. I at least wanted someone in the room who could yell for help if they somehow saw something the nurses didn't see. That's when I had to let someone else carry my burden.
I called Poppa to see when he would be arriving, and thankfully, he was already on his way. I really wanted to spend this day with Canon, but I really didn't want to leave Tera. Poppa stepped in and stayed at the hospital all afternoon long. From 1:00 until almost 6:00 he sat in the room and worked while Tera slept. Tera only de-satted a couple of times, so there wasn't any real excitement there, but he sat there nonetheless, and it eased my mind to know he was there.
After leaving the hospital, we met some friends at Jim 'N Nicks for lunch. The idea was to have a quick lunch then head to the zoo before Canon got too exhausted to function.
As I said before, no plans ever pan out. Lunch took about an hour and a half, and when we left the restaurant at 3:00, Canon was nearly brain-dead. He fell asleep within a few minutes of being back on the road.
We decided to go back to Lydia's house for a little while to let Canon (and us) rest, then we would make a plan from there. Canon was asleep when we arrived at the house, and Barry was able to carry him upstairs and lay him on the bed to sleep. About an hour later, he woke up crying, apparently confused about where he was. When I went to check on him, he was sitting up in the bed, eyes closed, and tears running down his face. We got him into mine and Barry's room (where Barry had been napping), and he quickly laid down on Barry's chest. He was back asleep in no time.
This is one of the sweetest pictures I think I have of Canon. We can count on one hand the number of times he has fallen asleep in the bed with someone. This was just too precious. I eventually got in bed, too, and we all took a nap together.
After nap time, we still had about a half hour of daylight, so we decided to go to the park in Homewood to let Canon stretch his legs. The zoo had already closed. Oh, well. We've got several weeks to make it there. We picked up Nonna from her friends and called Poppa to meet us at the park.
This is one of Canon and Barry's favorite games. Barry pushes Canon in the swing, and then stands close enough so that Canon can kick him. Of course, Barry makes a loud "Aghh" which cracks Canon up completely. We always love to hear him giggle.
I realized today how completely attached Canon and Barry have become in these last two weeks. Of course, I still can't really hold Canon, but what I noticed this weekend was how little he wanted me to. He would sometimes crawl into my lap, but for the most part, he wanted to stay with his dad.
Later that night, Canon went home with Nonna and Poppa. He is staying with them this week, and we decided to let him get an early start on his stay. I know that I am eventually going to have to get good at managing two children at one time. Right now, however, it really seems impossible. This is mostly due to the fact that one child has to stay in a hospital nursery setting, the last place on earth that the other child needs/wants to be. It will all work out eventually, but for now, I just have to overlook my sadness at not having them both together and be grateful that Barry and I both have such wonderful families that are so willing to help out. When we put him in Nonna and Poppa's car, he cried and fought against us trying to put him in his seat. You would think that this is flattering to us, but the truth is, his frustration came when he realized that he wasn't going to get to watch Toy Story in Nonna's car. He was crying because he wanted to be back in our car with a TV and DVD player. It really had nothing to do with leaving Mama and Daddy. Nonna sent this picture about 30 minutes later. I think he found something else to occupy his time.
While Canon rode to Winfield, Barry and I went back to the hospital so that I could visit Tera one more time today. I hadn't held her yet, and the nurse was very sweet to get her out so late in the night. Barry immediately fell asleep on the couch while I held Tera, and I realized that while he and Canon have been bonding at home, Tera and I have been bonding here. Barry does not harbor very strong feelings for babies, especially unusually tiny ones. Though I've asked if he wants to touch Tera or hold her, I think he is a little intimidated by her as a baby and says that it will be "awhile" before he is ready to take that step.
Of all the times I've held Tera, this one was probably the best for her physically. She breathed so well, and her oxygen fell low only twice. Typically, I watch the monitors like a hawk and move her breathing bag to and from her mouth dozens of times to try to keep the oxygenation level just right. On this night, however, I only held it to her mouth 2 or 3 times. I can't help but think this is a good sign. Instead of worrying as much during our time together, we were both just able to relax. Maybe one day, we'll take naps together, too.
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