It's Going to Be OK

"For I know what I have planned for you," says the Lord. "I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Day of Life: 48

Since Friday, I've been on a rollercoaster of worrying. Who has been reading my blog? Who have I hurt because of it? At times, I feel embarrassed to walk the halls of the hospital, wondering what nurses hate me. I interpret every look as ones of disapproval and anger, though I'm sure 99% of them are not meant to be either. Our favorite CCN nurse told me that she would be working yesterday, but when we got to the hospital, she was not on duty. Of course, I assumed immediately that she had asked to be reassigned. Our favorite RNICU nurse has not been to visit in a couple of weeks, so of course I assume that she is on the Angry Train with whoever else. At other times, I feel acceptance for what has happened. Those that are angry will be angry, and there's not a whole lot I can do but hold my head at its normal position and hope I don't get eggs thrown at me - or something less dramatic, I guess.

This morning, I woke up with the first emotion, the one of embarrassment. In fact, I took my dear sweet time getting to the hospital, doing everything I could think of before finally walking out the door to get in the car. My gas light came on last night, so I stopped at the gas station to fill up, still worried about what loomed ahead at the hospital. As I put the nozzle back in the pump, I saw the sticker that some blessed soul had placed there, it seemed, just for me. It said "It's Going to Be OK." The simplest words with the most profound effects. I'm sure the customers around me thought I must be going crazy when my nervous scowl turned into an enormous smile, just shy of laughing out loud.

When I got to the hospital, our favorite CCN nurse was back and as cheerful as ever. Good. She doesn't hate me. She had rearranged her schedule so that she will be with us for the next three days.

As soon as I was scrubbed in, we got Tera out for her 11:30 bottle. The Speech Therapist came around to help me again. She was very impressed with how much Tera had improved over the weekend, saying that her technique had already matured in just a couple of days. She drank 24cc - her feeds are now up to 33cc - so we put the remaining 9 through her feeding tube. I was so proud of her efforts this morning. She did very well on her breathing, which is what I tend to be focused on these days. When I arrived this morning, she was on 22% oxygen in her isolette. Though she moved up to 23% in the next hour and stayed there most of the day, she is showing such improvement.

I think she might be losing some of her hair though.

You probably also want to know that Tera is now up to 4 pounds 2.6 ounces (1885 grams). She might actually be a full-sized baby when we bring her home, whenever that may be. Still not commitments in that area, though I am going to a Discharge Class this week to learn how to take care of her at home. I'll let you know how that goes.

I left just after lunch time to get some fresh air. I intended to stay at the hospital through Tera's night-time bottle, so I wanted to get out before I went too stir crazy. On my way back to the hospital, I got a text from . . . our favorite RNICU nurse! She said "You better not go home and not tell me!!" Yay! She doesn't hate me either. We made plans for her to come down and visit when I returned to the hospital, but unfortunately, those plans were never followed through. She got really busy with her patients, and I left early to avoid the tornado that was coming through Birmingham (I'll get to that later). But she promised to come by later this week.

When I made it back to Tera, I got her out for our first Kangaroo hold since last week. It was just as I remember it, cozy and sleep-inviting. I turned on Netflix on my phone so that I wouldn't doze off. At 5:30, it was time for Tera to eat again. The nurse and I made a deal with Tera that, when we put her back in her bed to change her diaper and take her vitals, if she would become more alert, we would try giving her a night-time bottle a little earlier than usual. Tera agreed, and she did, in fact, wake right up. We took this as a sign that she was eager to try the whole bottle-feeding thing again.

We were wrong.

I think overstimulation is mostly to blame. The nurse and I were talking quite a bit (I didn't really know the best way to not talk back and still be polite), and Tera couldn't seem to focus her eyes on any one thing, which is a good sign that she also couldn't focus on suck-swallow-breathe. The Speech Therapist and my sister-in-law had advised me on the overstimulation issue before, but I had never noticed that it effected her until now. I think that she will definitely need a much calmer and quieter environment during future feedings.

In eating this bottle, she took the nipple in her mouth several times, but nearly everytime she sucked, she seemed to forget to swallow and got choked. This happened continuously it seemed. I think I saw her swallow maybe three times during the whole feed. Eventually, I got her pacifier out of her bed to see if she would suck on that for awhile, just to orient her to the motion of it all. She took the pacifier easily, so I tried the bottle again. Still, no success. I kept my eyes glued on her the whole time, trying to read her cues and act accordingly.

Though the feeding was unsuccessful, our communication skills are something to brag about. As soon as I saw her choke, I lowered the nipple to keep additional milk from dripping in. If needed, I removed the bottle completely and leaned her forward to encourage her cough, which would then lead to breathing again. You can probably deduce that when she isn't breathing, her oxygen saturation drops which is when we use the blow-by. Though I had it sitting right beside me, I had noticed at our past feedings that she had been bringing herself out of most of her de-sats on her own. So tonight, instead of immediately offering her the blow-by, I gave her a few extra seconds to try to get out of trouble all herself. Besides, if she' choking, she's not breathing. Blowing oxygen in her face isn't going to make her inhale it.

You're probably thinking how scary this is that I gave her this extra time with less oxygen than normal, but I never would have done it if I didn't think she could handle it, and I gave her the blow-by whenever she entered scary territory, which was only a couple of times. Though she only actually swallowed maybe 2 or 3cc, I was very proud (once again) of my little fighter. When the nurse put the remaining milk on the pump to push through her feeding tube, I continued to hold Tera, this time swaddled up and laying on my chest.

She continued to breathe strongly, rarely needing the blow-by even after all of her feed went in and her belly was full.

I left her just after this because of pending bad weather. I use the word "pending" because that's what I thought it was. In fact, the bad weather was already upon us. I had made plans to pick up sushi on the way home, but those were immediately canceled when I saw the torrential downpour from the lobby windows. I walked/jogged to my car, getting completely soaked in the process. On the way home, I listened to the radio to see where the storm was headed. As I left the hospital, I learned that the worst of it would soon be in Hoover. That's where I was headed. As I passed the Homewood exits on the Interstate, I learned that there was tornadic activity in Homewood. By the time I made it to Lydia's, the official report was that it was moving east, and the worst would be nowhere near me tonight. The reports on the radio proved to be much scarier than the actual drive home. Don't worry, Mom. I promise never to drive in weather like that again.

What About Barry and Canon

I was a bad mother and did not call to check in on Canon today. I'm sure that he is having loads of fun with Nonna and Poppa. Nonna is really good about taking lots of pictures, so I'll be sure to include some as soon as I can get them off her camera. After a hard day's work, Barry spent the evening with our friend, Kyle. Mandy is out of town these next couple of days, so the Bachelors decided to hang out and cook dinner. When I talked to Barry, he was eating asparagus and actually enjoying it. (I hope you're reading this, Hill and Amanda!) He and Kyle were cooking an elaborate meal that included, besides the asparagus, some kind of crab topping, so I know Barry is in one of his own personal heavens tonight.

Though I don't have a picture of Canon to share, I received this picture of our nephew, Xan.

Last Easter, Canon entertained all of our friends by walking around with a plastic bucket on his head. Not to be outdone, Xan decided to try it out as well. Here, he has been practicing for his church's upcoming Easter Egg Hunt. He's determined to win the Grand Prize. Can't wait to see what the prize is and how Xan does. Good luck, Xan!

Correction: After writing this, I got this picture from Nonna and Poppa. Eating applesauce.

Gosh, he's huge! I got it about 10:45 p.m., but the light shining through the window assures me it was taken before then. Poor Nonna and Poppa if Canon is still awake this late!