Making Amends

Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Phillipians
If you're reading this, it means that you have taken the necessary steps to now log-in to our website. Let me explain.

I began this blog two years ago as a means to record our best family stories. When Tera was born, the purpose was slightly altered. My number one priority was to make daily journal entries about our experience with a premature baby so that I wouldn't forget a thing. I wanted to remember the good and the bad about everything, and I have been so happy that there has been much more good than bad to record. As more and more people began asking about Tera, I realized that this blog was also going to be an easy and efficient way to let our friends and family know about her. Instead of setting up a mass email list or making dozens of phone calls each day, I could write one quick entry, and those we love could keep up with Tera's progress.

What I have found in all of this is that not only am I recording Tera' s daily changes and improvements, I am also using this blog as an outlet for my own emotions about this experience. I have never been much for sharing my emotions verbally with any kind of integrity. I usually end up babbling and rambling and making no sense at all. Writing is how I can get out my most honest feelings in a way that sounds half-way intelligent. Over the years, writing has become very therapeutic for me, and it has helped me tremendously in the last six weeks that Tera has been in this world.

I was amazed, however, at the number of people who started reading the blog that I either had not heard from in years or strangers that I have never even met. Friends told friends who told other friends, and before long, Tera was being learned about and prayed for by people all over the country and the world. I have to be honest and admit that I got a great deal of pleasure from this. I loved that so many people were checking in on her and being inspired by her strength and by our family's faith. I have been so moved by the outpouring of encouragement for Tera and gratefulness that we are sharing our story with so many.

What I have realized over the last two days, mostly due to a comment I received on a post last week, is that for some, I have been wrongfully portraying the medical staff caring for Tera. In this comment, the suggestion was made that I have made these people out to be "monsters" and it was implied that I am not showing much thanks for the care that both Tera and I have received. Of course, while reading this, my stomach was in knots. As writing is my therapy, I hope you don't mind me taking this opportunity to counsel myself.

First and foremost, I am completely pleased and confident in the care that Tera has gotten. UAB is the best place for premature babies in the state and probably beyond. One of Tera's Neonatologist is basically a Founding Father of the whole practice of Neonatology. Our nurses are phenomenal. Not only do they adore Tera, but they have proven themselves to be highly intelligent and well-trained people. Many of them have worked with babies for decades or close to it. If I wasn't confident that they could take care of my baby, I would never leave the hospital. In fact, the opposite has happened. Especially since Canon has come to stay with me, I leave in the late afternoon and don't return until late the next morning. I know that when things happen - good and bad - I will be kept well-informed. Again, I completely trust that everyone involved at UAB has my child's best interest at heart.

I know that I have written some stories about things that Tera has been going through in which I expressed fear and/or frustration at the experience. For example, when she had her eye exam the other day, my entry was about how they wrenched her eyes open with tweezers and used scary tools to poke around in them. From a parent's perspective, this is what an eye exam entails. I did not in any way mean to insinuate that the Eye Doctor was abusive to Tera. In fact, I thought the story was kind of funny if you can get past the whole tweezers-in-the-eye craziness. Nonetheless, it is stories like these that have been misinterpreted, and I am truly and deeply sorry for that. I have lost many tears and lots of sleep over the fact that many people seem to have been deeply hurt by my words.

In the next few days, I will be rereading all of my posts and removing pictures and names of people that are involved as well as rewording anything that might be construed as hurtful to others. I in no way want anyone to feel hurt or anger for anything that I have written. Again, none of my entries were meant to demean or belittle the care that Tera has gotten. I will, however, maintain my honest approach to my feelings during this experience. If something scary happened, I'm not going to make it sound less scary. As I've said from the beginning, this blog is a record of this time in our family's lives, and I want to remember the good and the bad.

These last couple of days, though stressful, have also proven to be somewhat eye-opening for me. I realized that anyone can just jump on our webpage and read all about everything that is going on with us. I know that this has always been a possibility, but I didn't realize the mass number of people who are accessing our blog. There is a way to check the history of your blog, and the other day I found that ours has had more than 13,000 views in the last month. That is a lot of viewing. While I trust everyone that I know (those of you that are actually reading this now), I can't help but get a little nervous at the prospect of so many strangers knowing everything about us.

In an effort to continue my writing therapy and my daily journal entries, I have decided to make this a private site. This means that I have 100 email addresses that I can invite to read our blog. If I want more than 100 readers, I have to make it available to everyone. Please understand that the biggest part of me is hating this. As I said earlier, there have been so many who have expressed the joy and inspiration they have felt by reading about our experience, and I hate to shut those people out after they have come so far on the journey with us. So if you are able, please continue to share our story with those people. They can read over your shoulder, or you can tell them all about us. The purpose of this is not to exclude people who want to know more about Tera. Instead, it is meant to maintain a small bit of privacy for our family as well as give me the freedom to express myself honestly without the fear of hurting others.

My mother told me the other day that she believes that this could be some evil at work trying to prevent our story from being shared. I don't usually consider things from this perspective, but I have to agree with her. God has done some amazing work through Tera and Canon and everyone going through this with Barry and me, and this feels like a mighty effort to shut that all down. That is why I hate to make this private. I feel like I am limiting what God can do. On the other hand, this could all be an effort to protect us from something potentially damaging as well. After prayer and conversations with trusted family and friends, I am still not completely convinced that this is the absolute best way to handle this, but it does make my stomach feel less knotty. Please continue to pray for us, and do not be afraid to share with your trusted family and friends all about us. We are on the downhill side of our journey now, and I know that He is still with us and wanting to share our story as much as we do. God bless!