Little Blessings

I am going to send an angel before you to protect you as you journey and to bring you into the place that I have prepared. Exodus 23:20

Day of Life: 30

I walked into a very quiet and peaceful room this morning. Tera was facing the wall. They rotate her head every few hours to try and shape her head. Of course, I want her to have a pretty round head, but I also love to see her face. Sometimes, I'll squeeze between her Isolette and the wall to try to catch a lop-sided glance.

Late yesterday evening, the nurse took out the IV in her arm. Yay! I'm sure now that it's out she'll give them a reason to put another one back in very soon, but I hope she gives them at least a few days free of needle-pokes. She gained 50 grams yesterday and now weighs 2 pounds 15.6 ounces (1345 grams). So close to that three pound mark! She's receiving the same amount of milk - 20cc - due to the recent infection scare. They'll probably bump that up again in the next couple of days since she's no longer getting her antibiotics. Also, her sodium count is back up to a healthy number, 139, but they'll continue to give her a sodium supplement until they're sure it won't drop again.

Dr. Carlo came by this morning to see if I had any questions. This is the first day that he has made any comment about her oxygen other than "It's fine. Don't worry." Though it has come down a few percentage points since her infection (from 45% at its highest to 39% today), he said that eventually this may be a concern. Some babies need that much additional oxygen until they are full term at 36 weeks. If, however, Tera's oxygen needs don't decrease in the next few weeks, or if she shows signs of infection of sickness again, Dr. Carlo explained that they will probably order an x-ray just to make sure that both lungs are . . . inflated, for lack of a better word. There is a chance that one lung could be collapsed (this is a possibility in all preemies, not specific to Tera), and it may need some help opening up. But as Dr. Carlo mentioned, we won't do anything until Tera gives us a reason to.

Tera's monitors were even quieter today than they were yesterday. The very limited de-sats that she did have were in the high 70s, and she managed to pull those up on her own. I'm giving myself yet another day of no touching or holding. I just hate the thought of giving her something else to fight off.

A few things to note around her room: This pillow was made by (Big) Tera when I was her aide in Hoover. She took Home Ec that year, and one of their projects was making pillows. Tera enjoyed it so much that she went home and made several more. This one was made especially for me, and now it is given especially for (Baby) Tera. The first few days she was here, the pillow sat in the bed with Tera. Soon after, however, the nurses received a memo to keep all stuffed items out of the beds to cut down on germs and bacteria. Now it sits under her monitor.

To personalize her bed as much as possible, I have used the blankets that our generous friends and family members have been sending. The blankets are used to both cover the foam pad in her bed and to cover the outside of the Isolette. Though you probably can't see, this blanket has Tera's name embroidered in the corner. It was sent to us in a basket full of goodies from members of our church. I'm embarrassed that I have no idea who had this made for her (there was no individual tag just for it). If it was you, please let me know!

I read to Tera about praying for emotional well-being today. I found this chapter to be as helpful for me as for my children. In this chapter, Berndt emphasizes that parents should make sure their children know that they are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) and that God values them. When our children know this, they don't have to seek love and affection from inappropriate relationships. They also learn to forgive those who have hurt them because our life is not based on how we feel but what we know, that God loves us and as such, we should forgive others because God forgives us.

One parenting tactic mentioned that I found especially interesting was used when Berndt and her family were preparing to move their family across the country from Winston-Salem, North Carolina to San Diego, California. Four years prior, they had moved from Atlanta to Winston-Salem and their then six-year-old daughter had a difficult time. In the midst of this new move, all four of her children were old enough to be effected, so Berndt and her husband devised a Christmas present illustration to help their children cope. They explained that God had given their family several presents. The first present was Atlanta, and the family agreed that everyone loved that one. Then the time came for them to open the second present, and it held Winston-Salem. The children agreed again that this present had been just as well-loved. Now, they have another present. "Do we want to open it and see what else God wants to give us - or should we just keep playing with the gifts we've already opened?" Of course, the children wanted to open it. She is clear that the move was not free of tears, anxiety, and periods of adjustment. However, because her children are secure in the love of God, they are able to maintain their joy and contentment no matter where life takes them.

As I said, this chapter was written as much for me as for my children. I know that God loves me, and I have an abundance of self-worth because of that. However, I have a very difficult time forgiving others because it usually is about how I feel. I hang on to every frustrating and hurtful thing tossed in my direction, and I rarely, if ever, confront those things and offer forgiveness. I should forgive, however, because this life is not about my feelings toward other people but the knowledge and love I have for God. If He can love and forgive a minion such as myself, then who am I not to love and forgive as well.

Our prayer tonight is this: "When Canon and Tera are confronted with grief, uncertainty, fear, or pressure, remind them of your promise in Isaiah 41:10: 'Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Today is Thursday, which means the March of Dimes is hosting a Family Hour for lunch. During this lunch we would be discussing Kangaroo Care - the skin-to-skin holding method that Tera and I have been doing - so I decided to attend. We mostly looked at the benefits of holding babies, especially preemies, using this method. Basically, babies tend to simply be better when they're against their mother's skin. Their heart rate evens out. Some babies who normally need oxygen don't seem to need it as much when they're held this way. Their temperature is regulated by the mother's body. We were even told that often times, a mother's body temperature will adjust to the needs of the baby during the hold. If it's too cold in the room, the mother's body will warm up to keep her child at a safe temperature. I've even heard one story of a woman with twins. One twin had a more difficult time maintaining his temperature. When the mother would hold both babies, one side of her body would naturally get warmer to accommodate her son's needs while the other side remained at a more regular temperature for his sibling. No medicine can explain that phenomenon. How could we not have been created by God?

We learned that this method of care was started in Colombia, South America. The hospital did not have enough incubators to house all of their babies, and they found that mothers could provide the same environment. Studies were done and showed that simply holding some premature babies 24 hours a day had the same (if not better) results as an incubator. Of course, this didn't work for all babies, but the results were amazing. The video followed two mothers whose doctors deemed to be the best caretakers of their preemies. The mothers took their babies home and carried them against their chests all day every day, only taking them out to eat and change their diapers. One of the babies had a twin who was not strong enough to survive outside the incubator, so they visited that sibling in the hospital. Another story told of a mother who delivered twins. One of the twins was born showing no signs of life. The mother asked to hold her seemingly dead baby, and after a couple of minutes, the child started breathing and moving. A couple of hours later, he opened his eyes. He survived and, from the video we saw, seems to be a very healthy/chubby baby.

I mentioned after the last Family Hour luncheon I attended that there are so many families here with stories far less joyful than ours. I continue to learn of even more babies and families who are suffering in a variety of ways. If you don't want to know about them, you might want to skip this paragraph. I want to mention them for two reasons. First, these stories give me a new perspective on my life right now and make me so proud of my strong baby girl. And second, I do share a connection with these mothers, and as difficult as it is to listen to their stories sometimes, I think it's necessary that I not forget them and their struggles. Earlier in the week, I walked past a room where a full-sized baby was screaming incessantly, and I wondered why no one (especially his mother) was not consoling him. Later that morning, I learned that this baby was suffering from withdrawals from all the drugs his mother took during pregnancy. His nurse had been in and out of his room all day, trying to do what she could. I share no connection with that mother, but I am emotionally drawn to the child. I met a woman today whose son was scheduled to go home in January, but days before his discharge he contracted pneumonia. He was put back on the ventilator and now, there is no new discharge date in sight. Another mother died of swine flu this week. Her child and widowed husband are somewhere on my floor. Finally, I learned that a baby (whose mother I met last week) has a very low chance of survival. Though overwhelmingly sad and horrible, this is the sad truth of where I spend most of day and where Tera lives. These stories help me realize how fragile every baby's life is, even healthy babies like Canon was. All babies are "miracle babies." I can't tell you how much joy I get every morning when I write a new date on my milk labels. It's a reminder that we've made it one more day.

After a few hours of recharging at Lydia's this afternoon, Nonna and I returned to the hospital to meet Poppa, who had driven in from Winfield just to visit Tera for a moment. Our favorite nurse from the RNICU was back from her two week vacation, and she came down to visit. I just can't help but take random and various pictures. Some don't make sense, but it's just my attempt to catch little things that I think are important to remember.

This is Tera pushing up on her knees, as if she's ready to crawl right out of her bed.

She doesn't seem to have a favorite place to keep her hands. Sometimes their tucked under her chin, shoved under her belly, twisted behind her neck, or stretched out into the distance. I've focused on her feet so much in the past weeks, I thought her other appendages might need some attention.

And this one is just cute.

After a couple of hours, Nonna and I headed back to Lydia's. I'm always hesitant to leave her but also usually tired enough to know I won't be of any good use there beside her.

What About Barry and Canon

Barry left this morning to attend his meeting in Nashville, and Canon enjoyed his day with MyGoo and Doc in Greenville. MyGoo reported that he slept from 8:00 last night until almost 9:00 this morning. Apparently, this whole experience is as draining on him as it is the rest of us. After a fun-filled morning with MyGoo and a quick afternoon nap, his could-be-twin cousin, Ceil, came over to play in the new Pirate Ship.

I'm thinking they had a good time.

Nothing like a story told by Doc to end a good day.