Why Does It Feel So Right To Be Here?

Day of Life: 9

What Happened Last Night
It was a fairly uneventful night. Shannon took some labs about 4:00 a.m. to determine her blood gases and to see how her bili numbers were doing. Though both labs came back showing that all was good, they were still waiting to get orders from the docs. I called in again around 8:30, and though they had not done rounds or given orders, some events had transpired. During the shift change, some of the docs must have come in to examine Tera. She was laying on her side wrapped around a bean bag thingy (sorry, haven't learned the medical term for that yet). They turned off the bili lights, left her glasses laying on the bed beside her, and Tera was laying sprawled out on her back when the nurse came back in. Apparently, this is typical doctor behavior, and it's a bit frustrating to the nurse but no harm done.

By the time we arrived, Susan had fixed everything, and this is what we found:

Finally a baby that looks like a baby. She is so beautiful! Her color is great. I can no longer count every rib in her body, and she is resting so peacefully. She still has her pig nose from the CPAP, but I think I can live with that for long. Is it true that if you hold your face in one position too long it will stick that way? Let's hope not because there is no hope for this child's nose if it is!

The Plan for Today

We learned during rounds that the head ultrasound was done early this morning. I got super confused during this particular run-down of Tera's status (I think I'm losing M.D. points quickly) but Susan soon found out that the scan was normal. Yes! She'll have another one at one month, but no need to worry until then. Our basic plan today is just to keep weaning her off the CPAP. Right now, her gases and numbers look great, so that should be an easy thing to do.

There's that foot again!

What Actually Happened Today

It took quite some time (at least it seemed that way to me) to get the orders to start the weaning process. Because her numbers were so good, they weren't matching up on the screen, which caused her monitor to beep quite frequently throughout the morning. As long as they're beeping for a good reason, I think I can live with it.

We had an unexpected but wonderful visitor this morning. The front desk called back to us that we had visitors but did not specify who. I walked a young girl and her mother walk back and thought, "I have absolutely no idea who these people are." I started running through everyone I knew from Barry's work to people I knew in college. Nothing clicked. When they walked in, they smiled so big and offered a hug. As soon as I hugged the girl, I knew exactly who she was. It was Alyssa, Tera's best friend at Simmons when I was her Aide. They had never been to school together before that year, and they became instant friends. Inseparable, really. Alyssa and her mother caught me up on everything that was going on with her. She will graduate from high school this year, which means, of course, that Tera would also be graduating. They still do special things throughout the year in her memory. Alyssa helped start a club at school called "Team Up for St. Jude" which has worked all year to raise $3000 for St. Jude research. Her friends also release balloons every year on Tera's birthday. They reminded me that Tera's birthday is February 20, just three days before Baby Tera was born. I got a few chills at that one. They were not able to release the balloons last week but are planning to do it soon. I'm already making plans to go. I was so happy to hear that her memory is living on, and I know that Alyssa is a huge part of that.

The best part of my day . . . week . . . month . . . year happened later today. Susan told me that she needed to change Tera's bed completely out. The easiest way to do that is if Tera is not laying in it. We made plans for me to hold her!!! Of course, I was ecstatic. Probably any day before today I would have been hesitant. She just looked too small, too wired-up, too sick. Put today, she looks like a real baby, and I can't wait to hold her.

After lunch, we made our plans, and by 3:00 everything was in the works. It took some time to get all of her cords wrapped up and in place, but she eventually made it to me. I held her in my hands at first so that Susan could get everything just perfect. She didn't fuss or even seem that bothered. She just looked around with her arms and legs hanging straight out. The way that mothers hold preemies here is a method called Kangaroo Care. They put the baby down the mother's shirt so that she can lay skin-to-skin with the mother's chest.

This next picture shows me watching the monitor. We were able to take her CPAP off and just blow oxygen toward her nose. That's the green bag laying over my shoulder. She did great, but occasionally her monitor would ding. I kept a close eye on it just in case.

At one point during the hold, she lifted her head completely off my chest and looked at me, crying. I was terrified that she would hurt herself. We got a nurse in the room, and she helped me turn her head to the other side. This required some moving of wires and oxygen masks, but Tera fell back asleep immediately after laying back down. Another memorable moment was when she got the hiccups. Her body jerked up a little bit, which startled me. After a few rythms of that, I realized what it was. I had forgotten that babies have hiccups in utero. Why not have them now?

My friend, Elyse, who is also up here with her baby but on "better" floor, takes amazing pictures. I asked if she would come down and photograph this precious memory. Of course, she was thrilled and I know got some amazing shots. These are only a few of my favorites.

Here I am waiting on Susan to get her ready.

And this is the first hand-off to get all of the wires and tubes situated.

I love Tera's hair, and I'm praying it doesn't fall out before she comes home.

And those big feet are always a hot topic of discussion.

When I was holding Tera, I noticed that her legs were spread eagle around my waist. They were like little frog legs hanging out on my stomach.

Nothing compares to singing to Canon on a video phone at night, and nothing compares to the fact that Barry will finally be here again tomorrow, and nothing compares to holding this baby for the first time. This is why things just feel right. There is nothing like my life right now.

After about an hour and a half, Susan had to take some more blood for labs, so I had to give Tera up. She was not happy to go from my warm chest to a relatively cold bed. She fussed a good bit, but was precious as usual. I was able to get one of her first close-ups. I still think she looks like my grandmother, Sister.

And then she was out again.

It seems so strange to feel this good about being in this place, but it really does. I know there are still harder days ahead and a lot of waiting around, but God has been so good to my family these last nine days. Despite all of the things that could have gone horribly wrong, things are going amazingly right. And we are thankful!

How Are Barry and Canon?

Barry had an Employee Awards Banquet tonight. He was honored for five years of service to the hospital. I think he was glad I wasn't there. Canon stayed with our friends Ben and Christie and their daughter Claire. After bath time, Claire and Canon laid back to watch Toy Story. This is what Christie calls the "Toy Story Trance."

It's good to know I'm not missing too many new things. I've seen this face before.